Kilts, neeps, Wet Wet Wet: five questionable Scottish inventions

FROM television to shortbread, the Scottish have invented some truly wonderful things. But here are five that should remain north of the border.


If you’re a genuine Scot, then go ahead and wear your tartan with pride. However, if you’re a bloke who’s dad’s cousin’s great granny was born in Glasgow but moved to England when she was two days old, you do not count as Scottish and just want to stand out at a wedding in the hope a bridesmaid will shag you.

Wet Wet Wet

From Annie Lennox to Young Fathers to Teenage Fanclub, Scotland has produced a staggering amount of incredible musicians. So why is their most famous band the most annoying? Wet Wet Wet’s cover of Love Is All Around put such an indelible stain on the nations’s psyche in the 90s that you’re probably still humming it today. Having said that, Goodnight Girl is an absolute banger, and at least they never added bagpipes to their tracks in an effort to snag some more sales from sentimental Americans.

Macaroni pie

Scotland’s best know dish is haggis, but they also enjoy some other equally as weird culinary inventions, such as selling burnt-to-a-crisp bread rolls and calling them ‘well-fired’, pretending square sausage is normal, and thinking neeps – swede to non-Scottish people – is pleasant. Top of the list, though, is double-carb extravaganza macaroni pie, which is is pasta stuffed in pastry. Delicious, yes, but your waistline will be screwed.


It’s bright orange, confusingly tastes of 40 different things at once, and the recipe is a secret so it literally could be made from girders, as the famous advert suggested. Is it nice? Hard to say. But the Scottish consume it like it’s the very water of life, and it will probably flow straight from the taps come the day of independence.

Being friendly to strangers

The English are so averse to speaking to people they don’t know that someone could piss on their leg on the tube and they’d just pretend it wasn’t happening. The Scottish, on the other hand, will happily chat to a stranger, which makes anyone who lives south of Dumfries suspicious, and a bit jealous.

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Why I actually had one billion nominations, by Boris Johnson

EVERYONE seems to think the reason I pulled out of the leadership race was because I didn’t get enough support. On the contrary, the truth is that I had too much.

After dashing home from my luxury holiday upon hearing the sycophantic siren call of Jacob Rees-Mogg, Nadine Dorries and some nutjobs on Twitter, I was sure I would be back in Downing Street on Friday. And I would have been, had my thoughtful, caring, empathetic side not kicked in.

Because, do you know what? I had actually had a lot more nominations than Rishi. Certainly more than his 150. Possibly up to a thousand. Maybe a million. Perhaps even a billion. Don’t tell me there aren’t that many MPs in the Conservative party. You just don’t know them. They go to a different Houses of Parliament.

But I didn’t want to embarrass Rishi by proving that I am still the most beloved person in the whole of the UK and the general public want me to be prime minister forever. I’m not that kind of guy. I’m humble. You could never accuse me of having a big head.

So instead, I’ve stood down incredibly gracefully, with just a small, snide suggestion that I’ll be back as leader by the time of the next election, which is definitely the kind of thing someone who wanted to unite the party would say.

So, for now, I’ll step aside and watch sniggering from the sidelines while Rishi struggles with the epic nightmares me and Liz have created for him. And then I’ll slither my way back into the pole position after he crashes and burns, and the halfwits of Britain are ready for a big Boris boost once again.

See you in 2024, baby! Now, excuse me, I’ve got a swimming pool and a piña colada to get back to.