Workmate who saw Northern Lights putting on astounding display of smugness

YOUR colleague who witnessed the Aurora Borealis at the weekend is treating everyone to a once-in-a-lifetime display of smugness, it has emerged.

The entire office has had its breath collectively taken away by the dazzling, awe-inspiring spectacle of self-satisfaction by Tom Booker, who happened to go out into the garden at the right time.

Colleague Helen Archer, aged 36, said: “I can’t believe how lucky I am. What a show Tom put on. Definitely something to tell the grandkids.

“People usually have to go away for two weeks, at great expense, for a self-congratulatory extravagazana like the one Tom provided. But here it is, in our office, on a Monday morning. That’s that life goal miraculously ticked off the bucket list.”

Martin Bishop from HR added: “At first I thought I was hallucinating. There’s no way I was actually looking at the hypnotic, shit-eating grin of someone who saw the Northern Lights right here next to me. That just doesn’t happen.

“The smugness was radiant, flickering, ever-changing, almost unearthly. It was even more stunning than when Amanda married the millionaire or when Josh says he doesn’t have a TV. I’ll remember it for the rest of my life.

Booker said: “Yeah, I saw them both nights. Although by Sunday the novelty had worn off somewhat.”

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Six pop songs that will actually genuinely help you revise for your GCSEs

EXAMS looming? Left the revision too late? Got earbuds, a Spotify account and three-and-a-half minutes? These could scrape you a pass: 

Wuthering Heights by Kate Bush, 1978

Contains all the information you need: Heathcliff, Cathy, a passionate love that destroyed both of them, a ghost at the window. Doesn’t include: narrator Nelly, Catherine’s brother Hindley, Heathcliff’s adoption, the Lintons and Cathy’s engagement, various machinations of inheritance, anything about the period or themes. But you’ll be fine.

We Didn’t Start The Fire by Billy Joel, 1989

Covers four decades of Cold War history from 1949 to 1989 in rapid-fire style so if you’re studying anything from this period it’s in there, from the execution of the Rosenbergs to subway vigilante Bernie Goetz. Memorise, list, pick up enough marks to jump you up a grade, be grudgingly grateful to Billy Joel for this earworm piece of shit.

Nothing Has Been Proved by Dusty Springfield, 1989

Covering post-war UK politics? Billy Joel’s summation of the Profumo affair as ‘British politician sex’ not enough? Let Dusty talk you through the whole thing blow-by-blow with attributed quotes. This, a few surnames and loose ends tied up, you’re doing History A-level and your parents are talking Oxbridge.

Chemical Calisthenics by Blackalicious, 2002

Tongue-twisting rap which covers everything from the formula of calcium hydroxide to the particles that make up matter, this is educational as f**k. It is also, however, harder to follow than any GCSE science lesson or textbook. A useful reminder if you’ve done the revision; a brain-wiping torrent of syllables if you haven’t.

Rasputin by Boney M, 1978

Surprisingly accurate for a disco track about a pre-revolutionary Russian holy conman. He was a preacher rumoured to be a lover of the queen, she did believe he was a healer, he was poisoned and he was shot. Whether he was ‘a cat who really was gone’ is open to interpretation but could certainly be argued.

99 Problems by Jay-Z, 2004

The second verse, in which Hova assets his rights in a police stop, covers a number of legal issues relating to search and seizure law and gets most of them right. Told in an easy-to-remember anecdotal fashion with careful note of precedent, it’s a valuable primer if you’re taking US law GSCE, which you’re not. Still, write it down and hope for the best.