Glorious sunshine reveals you're living like a filthy animal

THE radiant sunshine beating down on the country has revealed that everyone has been wallowing in their own filth for the last few months.

As well as turning parks into twat-infested shitholes and giving dickheads permission to walk around topless, the sunny weather has highlighted just how dank, unhealthy and disgusting your living conditions have become.

Jack Browne from Nottingham said: “I thought I was a clean and tidy person. But the first shafts of light have exposed me as a slovenly pig man who rummages around in squalor.

“Every surface is blanketed with a thick layer of dust, there are pizza boxes strewn all over the floor, and mould has started growing on my unwashed laundry. I dread to think what you’d see if you started shining around a black light.

Helen Archer from Tewkesbury said: “It’s like that scene in Great Expectations where they throw open the curtains to reveal years of death, decay and festering insects. But rather than being a well-written piece of prose, this is my crap, foetid reality.

“The windows are covered with mysterious greasy streaks, there are cobwebs in every corner, and don’t get me started on the dandruff trodden into the carpet. Compared to the dazzling blue skies outside, I’m living in a flat more scuzzy than a belly button or a communal shower drain.

“So frankly, the sooner this glorious weather I’ve longed for buggers off, the better. I’d rather live in mucky ignorance, plus I can barely see the telly thanks to the glare.”

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We ask you: is it time for the UK to leave Eurovision?

BOOKMAKERS have given Olly Alexander a one per cent chance of winning the Eurovision Song Contest. Is it time the UK left it?

Wayne Hayes, farmer: “Absolutely. We should be hosting our own song competitions where we regularly lose. And if that ever happens I’ll still be mad about getting what I wanted.”

Eleanor Shaw, media executive: “I’ve heard our song. A one per cent chance is generous. I reckon we’re only invited to take part as a joke, but it’s nice to feel included.”

Martin Bishop, pest control operative: “Kidding ourselves that we might do moderately well, before watching us score nul points over the course of several hours, is a fine British tradition like cheese rolling. It would be tragic and foolish to let either die.”

Kelly Howard, nail technician: “We blow roughly £16 million a year on Eurovision, and for what? It’s not like we’re paying musicians at the top of their game to represent us. That money should go towards something more useful, like bringing back Woolworths.”

Jim Bates, fishmonger: “I’m waiting to see what Boris Johnson tells me to think in a Telegraph column.”