Yeo Valley adverts 'making public lose fear of farmers'

THE public has been warned to keep away from farmers after a yoghurt fan was shot while asking a Welsh herdsman to ‘bust some rhymes’.

Tom Logan, a 24-year-old sales executive, received shotgun injuries to the thigh and multiple collie bites within seconds of entering the farmyard.

He said: “I was hoping to get the farmer to do a fun rap or big boy band-esque ballad in the style of the Yeo Valley adverts, so that I could film it on my iPhone and play it to work colleagues.

“But when I approached him with a cheery ‘yo’ he shot me twice, and told his nasty gimlet-eyed dog to bite my cheeks off. Which it did.”

He added: “The experience has really shaken my faith in television advertising.”

Farmer behaviour expert Nikki Hollis said: “The popular series of Yeo Valley adverts has created an image in the public’s mind of farmers as handsome, sociable entertainers with a wry sense of humour.

“In fact, most farmers are passionate shotgun owners who sleep in their coats and get up at four in the morning to spend their days alone sitting freezing on tractors, ploughing eerily-precise parallel furrows as they think about beheading the chairman of Tesco.”

Farmer Roy Hobbs  said: “Fuck off or I’ll let the dogs out.

“You’ve got no business here.”

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Stone Roses confirm gig cancellations

MANCHESTER t-shirt vendors The Stone Roses are to reform for a new series of concerts they won’t turn up to.

It has been 15 years since the La’s tribute band last disappointed thousands of fans by cancelling a show at the last moment because they were convinced their arms had turned into a brace of live trout.

Stone Roseologist, Wayne Hayes, said: “People are really looking forward to their lengthy conversations with Ticketmaster about refund policies, which has to be more enjoyable than seeing the band up close these days because they currently resemble an Altrincham Jobstart course for unemployed zombies.

“Not so much ‘Made of Stone’ as ‘Made of Bits of Gristle and Tracksuit’.”

Venues are already being scouted for the group to not play the two-dozen songs they managed to grind out during their 28-year career and it is felt that demand could be inexplicably high enough for them to fill the whole of Wembley Stadium, with the obvious exception of the stage.

Hayes said: “While their inevitable failure to turn up might be disappointing it will be a veritable Woodstock compared to paying eighty quid to watch Ian Brown shuffle and mumble his way around the stage, shaking his head like a nursing home resident refusing to take a bath.

“It’s just possible that their legacy as a live act has something to do with the fact it coincided with an era when most of the audience contained enough Ketamine to drop a rhino.”

The group will promote the not-tour with a four track EP of aimless wah-wah guitar, set for release on holographic 12-inch some time in the early 2040s.