Mensch continues to create unusual stirrings

LOUISE Mensch has become the number one cause of odd, conflicted stirrings among Guardian readers, according to a new poll.

As the Tory MP faced down Twitter threats with a typically arousing mixture of stern disapproval and smouldering indignation, thousands of humanities lecturers across the country had to get up from their desks and go for a bit of a walk.

Wayne Hayes, from Finsbury Park, said: “I try to focus on her whole abortion and foxhunting ghastliness but then the image of her in jodhpurs, carrying a riding crop pops unbidden into my head and I come over all peculiar.

“While I firmly believe that the objectification of women has been a major part of their subjugation in Western civilisation and that the sisterhood deserves respect after their heroic struggle against phallocentric society, I have to admit I have knocked myself about something silly thinking about Ms Mensch.”

Mensch first came to prominence with her role in the phone hacking enquiry giving Guardian readers the odd feeling that a dark corner of their psyche was being played out in parliament.

Hayes added: “Here was the most evil organisation ever to have existed, but they were being brought to task by the kind of person I normally accuse of being Hitler at dinner parties.

“The next thing I know I’m imagining her tying James Murdoch up and extracting answers from him by dripping candle wax on his nipples.

“I blame Labour for this. I might be a lifelong party member but our pinup girl is Harriet Harman. It would be easier to knock one out with a cactus strapped to your palm.”



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Will Libyan democracy make your car more expensive?

AS Libyans battle for their bright new dawn concerns were being raised that a new regime could charge more for car juice.

Amid fierce fighting in the centre of Tripoli, millions of western
motorists said they still had no idea how much these people wanted for
the thing that makes them slightly more interesting than other Africans.

Tom Logan, who has just spent eight grand on a Peugeot for Christ’s sake, said: “What we talking, £1.35, £1.40? That bird from Sky News is in
amongst it screeching about ‘euphoria’ as if chipper Libyans were part of
my monthly budget.

“Get Jeff Randall in there in a big, metal hat.”

Meanwhile experts said that by now an American invasion force would have
had a half-arsed interim government in place and be getting down to the
vital business of fucking everything into the middle of next week.

Martin Bishop, professor of knowing what’s best for Abdul at Roehampton
University, said: “It’s now 48 hours since the rebels stormed Tripoli
and there is still a disturbing lack of former CIA assets opening a
blood-filled Pandora’s Box of age-old tribal conflicts.

“Is it amateur hour? I think it might be.”

Julian Cook, a leading neo-conservative who thinks Iraqi car bombs are
transitional paperwork, added: “If we don’t see a Texan-sized portion of
western values this place could soon turn into a delicious new enemy
who will try to source unprocessed yellow cake from Devon.”

Meanwhile, Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset al-Megrahi has written to the Scottish government asking if they can find him a nice hotel in Iran.