Adults upset about drinking straws reminded that they are adults using drinking straws

PEOPLE of 18 and over complaining about paper drinking straws have been reminded they could lift their drinking vessels to their mouths like the grown-ups they are. 

Those complaining have also been advised that paper straws are not difficult to use, that change is inevitable and if they are whinging about this then riding a bike to work will surely kill them and none too soon.

Emma Bradford said: “Don’t like paper straws? Cut out the fucking middleman.

“If you’re over 12 years old and unlikely to tip your drink all over youself, you need a very good excuse for a straw in your drink and ‘being a bellend’ isn’t good enough.

“Maybe – maybe – if you’re on a hen night and you’re drinking from a hollowed-out melon it’s justified, because hen nights are as damaging to the environment as transatlantic flights anyway.

“But for anyone else, there’s only one thing that makes you look more of a twat than drinking fizzy pop with a red and white stripy straw, and that’s complaining about it.

“Either shut up, swig it out of the bottle, or die of thirst.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Girlfriend putting copper jelly moulds on kitchen wall like a f**king looney

A MAN’S girlfriend has without warning nailed six vintage copper jelly moulds to the kitchen wall like a total fucking nutcase. 

The moulds, which are in a range of shapes from fish to rabbits to shells, appeared on the wall as if from nowhere and have left Tom Booker baffled and afraid.

He said: “I asked her ‘What are these?’ and she said ‘They’re jelly moulds, what does it fucking look like?’

“From her aggressive demeanour I sensed it was already too late for ‘But we never make or eat jelly’ or ‘Couldn’t we store them in a drawer?’ Somehow I’d already failed to understand.

“I hazarded ‘They look… nice?’ and she replied that it was about time we got the kitchen sorted out, as if mounting jelly moulds like we’d hunted and killed them had anything to do with the fridge being buggered.

“I guess I just have to live with them as if they’re in some way normal until either I get used to them or they’re gone like they were never here.”

Girlfriend Francesca Johnson said: “Everyone’s doing it. It would be weird if we didn’t have them.”