Research on childrens' screen time funded by shady wooden-toy conglomerates

RESEARCH recommending limiting childrens’ screen time is paid for by manufacturers of traditional wooden rocking horses and pull-along ducks, it has emerged. 

The research, advising parents to ban children from TV, computers and vulgar plastic toys that make distastful beeping sounds, was paid for by companies with names like The Old-Fashioned Childhood Co. and Ephesius Salem Wrathwright’s Patented Amusements.

The businesses and their subsidiaries are thought to manufacture 95 per cent of hoop-and-sticks, non-motorised train sets and hand-painted Noah’s Arks on the market.

A spokesperson for the conglomerate said: “The funding of the research is irrelevant. What matters is giving your precious offspring the right start in life, cut from honest oak.

“Do you want to raise slack-jawed barbarians who crave nothing more than to stare at the idiot’s lantern, or well-groomed boys and girls who are polite to their elders? Then our conclusions are correct.

“Rumours that we stood over researchers wielding croquet mallets are false and defamatory. Though I should add that our mallets are ideal for those aged seven or above.”

Mother of three Helen Archer said: “Thank God. Now they can play Fortnite until their hands lock up, and I don’t have to feel guilty or waste money on Victorian crap. Win-win-win.”

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A supporters' guide to enduring the London Marathon

BEHIND every runner in this weekend’s London Marathon are at least 15 people sick to death of hearing about it and willing it to be over. 

Here’s how to make sure that 26.2 miles of agony for your friend, colleague or relative isn’t followed by 26 days of moaning about being insufficiently supported by you.

Don’t moan about getting up early to be at the start line. You’ll get the sordid pleasure of seeing guys vaseline their balls, and some porn sites would charge a premium for that.

Find a pub with a telly, so you can look out for your mate while having a morning gin. Memorise a few details about the runners around them to gain favour afterwards by slagging off ‘that wanker in the rhinoceros costume who didn’t even look like a rhino’.

Make sure your supportive sign isn’t too heavy. It takes real stamina to hold a sign up for several hours, and you don’t want to find yourself hitting ‘the wall’ and throwing it in a bin before they pass you.

Take a sick bag. Not for your friend, for yourself. They all crap in the gutters like Paula Radcliffe and most of them have open wounds for nipples.

Claim to have seen someone famous looking much more fucked than they were. But make sure to choose the kind of low-level try-hard celebrity who does run the marathon, like Greg James, Natalie Cassidy or one of them off TOWIE.

To really save time go straight to the finish line with a wine box and use the tracking app to claim you’ve seen them at locations ranging from the Cutty Sark to Tower Bridge to Blackfriars. By Blackfriars you can make any shit up, they’ll be hallucinating through exhaustion anyway.