Research on childrens’ screen time funded by shady wooden-toy conglomerates

RESEARCH recommending limiting childrens’ screen time is paid for by manufacturers of traditional wooden rocking horses and pull-along ducks, it has emerged. 

The research, advising parents to ban children from TV, computers and vulgar plastic toys that make distastful beeping sounds, was paid for by companies with names like The Old-Fashioned Childhood Co. and Ephesius Salem Wrathwright’s Patented Amusements.

The businesses and their subsidiaries are thought to manufacture 95 per cent of hoop-and-sticks, non-motorised train sets and hand-painted Noah’s Arks on the market.

A spokesperson for the conglomerate said: “The funding of the research is irrelevant. What matters is giving your precious offspring the right start in life, cut from honest oak.

“Do you want to raise slack-jawed barbarians who crave nothing more than to stare at the idiot’s lantern, or well-groomed boys and girls who are polite to their elders? Then our conclusions are correct.

“Rumours that we stood over researchers wielding croquet mallets are false and defamatory. Though I should add that our mallets are ideal for those aged seven or above.”

Mother of three Helen Archer said: “Thank God. Now they can play Fortnite until their hands lock up, and I don’t have to feel guilty or waste money on Victorian crap. Win-win-win.”