Stairs still nation's favourite place to put things

A NATIONWIDE survey has found that Britons still love to have stuff piled up on the side of their stairs. 

Although there is no general consensus on whether the items on the stairs should be books, exercise equipment, toys or important documents, the UK has agreed that the stairs are definitely the best place to store them.

Bill McKay of Kirkcaldy said: “Only temporarily, of course. I’ll be moving all that stuff as soon as I know where it should go.

“But stairs are essentially shelves you can walk on and perfect for creating a kind of object purgatory, for the homeless things of the household to spend eternity.

“Are these things on their way up or down? I don’t even know any more. In a way, it’s kind of a metaphor for life, because it’s all shit I can’t be arsed to deal with.”

Serial stair-piler Eleanor Shaw said: “Since I had kids the stairs have become a crazy obstacle course of toys, which is fun for guests.

“I feel for people in bungalows who have to get by without stairs. It’s no life.”

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Five techniques for fitting that f**k off massive burger in your mouth

HAVE you ordered a burger so huge and loaded with dripping cheese that you have no idea how to physically eat it? Try these tips: 

Take the vegetable bits out
Be honest with yourself: if you wanted to eat lettuce and tomato you’d order a sodding salad. Ditch it and concentrate on the good stuff that will block your arteries.

Add extra grease for lubrication
If you can’t physically fit the burger into your mouth, you need a bit of lubrication to ease its passage. Extra mayo, a dash of hot sauce or just a scoop of lard will make the difference.

Dislocate your jaw
Snakes can eat entire live goats by dislocating their jaws, so why shouldn’t you? Do a big yawn and don’t stop when it hurts, then leave it gaping to facilitate continued burger inhalation.

Deconstruct it
Pretend you’re a sophisticated gourmet like on Masterchef and eat the burger piece by piece. This will of course kill both the point and your enjoyment of the burger, but it serves you right for being such a greedy fuck.

Use a knife and fork
Cutting your burger up into small bite-sized chunks will ensure it gets into your mouth neatly. The downside is that you’ll remind people of how David Cameron ate a hotdog and they’ll punch you as hard as they can.