Air frying, and other chip-cooking techniques that are shit compared to a big vat of oil

LOVE chips but disapprove of deep-fat fryers? Try these other ways of cooking them that will leave you sad and disappointed:

Air frying

These will be delicious and so healthy, you think, as you pop your hand-cut chips in the air fryer with just three teaspoons of oil. Maybe they’re better for you, but these half-cooked, limp slabs of potato are a million miles away from the crisp, fluffy deliciousness you were dreaming of.


Whether you slice them up yourself or buy a bag of crinkle cut ones from Tesco, an oven chip never approaches the majesty of a deep-fried one. They take ages to cook and you have to keep getting them out to rearrange them so you don’t end up with half raw and half burnt. Too much effort for very little reward.


As a child in the 80s, you were fascinated by the idea of microwave chips but your mum never let you have them. Now you know why. They steam rather than cook, which means they have to be covered in some kind of mysterious powder to make them crisp, and it doesn’t work anyway. Prepare to be disillusioned with the future as seen from 1985.

Triple-fried with truffle oil and parmesan

A normal-sized chip cooked for 10 minutes in a deep fat fryer is a joy to behold, and yet people insist on messing with perfection. Why not make them big wedges, or cook them three times, or cover them in beer batter or sickly truffle oil or cheese? Piss off, Heston Blumenthal, they’re ruined now.

F**k it, let’s go to the chippy

If all else fails at home, the best thing to do is nip down to the chippy. They’ll give you a package bigger than your head with enough chips to feed 12 people, but they’ll be salty, greasy and delicious. You can’t claim to have cooked them though because you contributed f**k all.

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How on earth could you detest us? ask bewildered Tories

A POLITICAL party that gives tax breaks to the wealthy and deports refugees to Rwanda is confused as to how anyone could dislike them.

After Nicola Sturgeon said she ‘detested’ their policies, the Conservative party have looked back at their long history of persecuting poor people and minority groups and are perplexed about what they have supposedly done wrong.

Tory MP Julian Cook said: “I’m shocked that someone we have always treated with deep respect, like the First Minister, can be so angry with us. We’ve always been so nice about Scotland. I love going there to shoot things.

“And it turns out lots of other people don’t like us too. We’ve been destroyed in the polls, but why? There was a slight f**k up where we made mortgages much more expensive while raising inflation, but that could have happened to anyone.

“It’s honestly a mystery. After all, everyone wants their country to be turned into a racist, bigoted, sewage-smeared hovel riven with poverty and inequality, don’t they?”

Ex-Tory voter Roy Hobbs said: “I was glad when Cameron did the Brexit vote because I could get rid of the Poles next door, but now they’ve even gone a bit far for me.”