Woman unveils plan to warm icy hands and feet on boyfriend this winter

A WOMAN has developed an innovative scheme for staving off the cold this winter by leeching all the warmth from her partner.

Sophie Rodriguez received a worryingly large energy bill, looked at her boyfriend James Bates and started to form a clever, money-saving plan.

Rodriguez said: “Putting my freezing hands under James’ t-shirt is much cheaper than paying hundreds of pounds to British Gas. And I get to see him wince when I do it, which is a fun personal touch.

“And by shoving my icy feet into the back of his knees when we’re in bed I can keep warm while also pissing him off. It’s green, clean and brings us closer together. Physically, though maybe not emotionally, as far as he’s concerned.

“I’m basically a female Martin Lewis. Is there some way to market this? I’ll send a few tweets about it and hope Newsnight gives me call.”

James Bates said: “I do wish Sophie wasn’t perpetually sticking her chilly extremities in my soft, warm places. It’s like cuddling a corpse. However, at least this way I don’t have to contribute anything else to the relationship until spring.”

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Money graph go down means bad: a simple guide to the latest financial f**k up

CONFUSED by the latest intervention by the Bank of England? Learn everything you need to know with this simple guide.

Money graph go down means bad

Pound look good on money graph next to dollar. Always has. Now pound line on money graph go down which means bad. Everyone prefer when pound line on money graph go up because means rich. Being rich better than being poor, lets you buy vape and Kit Kat. Kit Kat tasty yum.

Scary numbers spook market

Market like big horse made of money. Scary numbers like 6.43% interest rate spook market. Market gallop out of stable to somewhere nicer. Everyone sad because market look nice and was friendly. Now we try to tempt it back with numbers it like but it difficult.

Money man bad at job

Kwasi Kwarteng is boss man of money but he not good at job. Everyone confused why he even get job as money man then realise his boss even more stupid. She look like bird that flew into window. People sort of miss old money man. Also bad but say funny things like ‘Eat Out To Help Out’.

Big bank not happy

Big bank run by adults who know what they doing not happy. Shout at money man things like ‘what the f**k you doing’ and ‘give it here before you totally f**k it up’. Say if they did not do this then things get even more bad. Houses would be worthless and pensions go vanish. This bad because everyone like houses and pensions.

Bonds are like magic beans

People wearing suits in Downing Street use bonds to make money. They like magic beans called gilts. Bank of England buy gilts to make market happy but it not really work. Now you be poor for few years and say bye-bye to libraries and NHS. People in charge for last 12 years say it someone else’s fault.