All milkshakes now a f**king fiver

THE standard price for a milkshake, regardless of size or quality, is now five f**king pounds.

The inflation-busting rise began when upmarket burger chains started offering luxurious thick milkshakes blending cream, ice-cream and fancy sauce, continued through the unholy ‘freakshake’ trend, and now applies uniformly to any milkshake sold anywhere.

Regular drinker Emma Bradford said: “Ingredients: milk, flavouring, ice cream if you’re lucky and 30 seconds of a bored chef holding down a blender’s ‘on’ button. Mark-up: about 900 per cent.

“Who does a small cafe in the Peak District think they’re f**king fooling? They’re not offering five quid’s worth of milkshake. They’re offering the same semi-skimmed-and-Crusha they’ve always sold.

“Milkshakes are not an inherently luxury item. Putting crushed Lotus Biscoff in them does not make them opulent. It just makes them impossible to drink with a straw.

“Of course there’s always McDonald’s, where they cost £2.29. God knows what they’re made from, though. Watered-down paint, maybe?”

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Man sure is glad his girlfriend's mates can't see the row they’re having on WhatsApp

A MAN is relieved that the argument he is having with his girlfriend over WhatsApp is not being peer-reviewed in another group chat.

Martin Bishop is counting his blessings that his disagreement with partner Lucy Parry is confined to a message exchange which nobody else will ever be able to see.

He said: “It’s getting quite heated and we’re dragging up our deepest, darkest shit. Luckily I’m safe to express myself and say some awful things because this is strictly a two-person conversation.

“See how it says this chat is end-to-end encrypted? That means nobody can witness this nightmare. The boffins really thought of everything when they made this app.

“I guess the only risk would be if Lucy screenshotted my bullshit and shared it with her friends in another chat for forensic dissection. But I know she would never do something so low. It’s a real weight off my mind.

“Can you imagine if other people saw me having a go at how she spends her own hard-earned money or complaining about the frequency of our sex life? My blood runs cold just thinking about it.”

Every person in the 37-strong group chat that Lucy is sharing the argument with said: “Dump him, babes. He’ll never change.”