Amazing family cuts food waste to zero by only buying crisps and chocolate

AN inspiring family have reduced their food waste to zero by only buying bags of crisps and bars of chocolate, they have revealed. 

The Malleys admitted they were throwing away uneaten vegetable chilis and rotten vegetables on a weekly basis and decided to take drastic action to save the planet.

Stephen Malley said: “It was sickening, the amount of fresh kale, apples, even chicken that was going straight in the bin. I turned to Helen and said ‘Love, our good intentions are dooming a generation.’ 

“For a while we tried to force the kids to eat the disgusting aubergine pasta and plain yoghurt we were buying, but it wasn’t sustainable long-term. The stuff tastes vile.

“Once we looked clearly at the problem we realised that it couldn’t be solved by conventional means, and we had to change our entire way of life, root and branch.

“So we’ve dropped the brown rice and raw milk and we live on Flamin’ Hot Monster Munch, chocolate Hob-Nobs, two-litre bottles of limeade, and ten-piece wicked variety buckets from KFC. The difference is astonishing.

“The kids wolf down their chicken poppers and ice-cream. The food waste bin is empty. And it’s all the more delicious knowing that we’re building a better future.

“Our GP says we have scurvy, but my conscience has never been cleaner.”

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Woman believes she can get ready in 15 minutes despite lifetime of evidence to contrary

A WOMAN is convinced she can be ready to leave the house in 15 minutes despite never once doing so in her entire adult life.

Emma Bradford has been late for every occasion in her 39 years of life due to her steadfast belief that showering, choosing an outfit, getting dressed, putting on make-up and finding her bag takes 15 minutes all in.

Partner Steve Malley said: “Emma is otherwise a highly intelligent person, but she’s got this blind spot. She believes time bends around her when she’s getting ready to go out, and that an hour and 45 minutes is 15 minutes max.

“And this is despite being alive for almost four decades and having to get herself ready for the vast majority of that time. She can honestly spend a full quarter-hour sitting on the bed in a towel, staring blankly at the wall.

“Presumably she was on time for stuff when she was a kid because her parents shoved her in a babygro and carried her to the car. Maybe I should do that.”

Bradford said: “To be honest, getting ready is the best part of a night out with Steve. Because Steve isn’t there.”