Artisan loaf too oddly shaped to make sandwiches

A MAN is unable to make a sandwich after discovering that the handcrafted sourdough loaf he bought is too weird a shape to cut into decent slices.

Julian Cook purchased the bread from an artisan micro-bakery, feeling obliged to go through with the purchase even when he was informed it cost £5.50.

Cook said: “It was horrifically expensive. But they’re an independent local business and I’m full of middle-class guilt, so I sucked it up, thinking I could make a nice sandwich with the rare cheese and amusingly named pickle I’d got from the farmers’ market.

“However, when I cut the end off I realised that part was only quarter of the size of a proper slice. I tried cutting a couple of decent slices from the middle of the loaf, but the only section that was a normal size turned out to be hiding a huge air bubble so there was no actual bread for me to put my filling on.

“I couldn’t even put bits from separate parts of the loaf together because its rough-hewn shape meant there weren’t two slices that would match up to make anything resembling a sensible sandwich.

“So I gave it to the birds and went out for a loaf of Warburtons. That’s real bread, whatever the Guardian food magazine tells you.”

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Donald Trump to commit series of high-profile murders to bump popularity further

DONALD Trump is mulling the possibility of taking up serial murder to give another boost to his 2024 electoral prospects.

Having seen his popularity rise among Republicans after being found liable for rape, and following publication of a mugshot taken when he was charged with trying to overturn the 2020 election result, the ex-president has decided it is time to up the ante.

Trump said: “We’ve seen how people react every time I’m indicted. My popularity grows bigly. Now it’s time for it to grow even biglier.

“So I’m going to become the bigliest thing since Charles Manson. And after these murders they’re going to come for me in a politically motivated witch-hunt.

“My people, my base, they’ll see Sleepy Joe and the Washington establishment attack me for these murders I committed and they’ll see the accusations for what they are. Revenge from my enemies, because I will be the best murderer, with a gold-plated knife. It’ll be classy, like my toilet.”

Already, hundreds of Trump’s support base have volunteered to be murdered by their political hero.

Tom Logan from Texas said: “Whether it’s pillow suffocation in a motel, or a shot in the head in a shopping mall, or just a plain old fashioned stab in the back in an alleyway, I’m ready to step up for Mr Trump and help Make America Great Again.”