JUST been to the supermarket? Bought a few lovely fresh things that are spending the journey home rapidly decomposing? These are going straight in the bin:
If anything they were too green when you picked them up in Sainsbury’s an hour ago, but now they’ve got more brown spots than the hands of a 90-year-old expat on the Costa del Sol. They couldn’t even do a job in a f**king banana bread recipe.
‘Delicious’, you think, dropping them into your trolley. ‘They’ll make a great snack for tomorrow’. But there’s already a sickly blue mould populating one corner, the middle lot are melting to mush and the rest are sour. That’s what you get for trying to make being healthy anything less than an ordeal.
Pitta bread has the look and feel of the kind of hardy bread that never goes stale, but that’s a lie. Open the packet on Monday and by Wednesday you’ll be able to use the remaining flatbreads as frisbees or arranged beneath clothing as a makeshift stab vest.
Waiting for the hot guy to text back, waiting for a parcel, waiting for avocados to ripen: all just as frustrating and ultimately unrewarding. So you go for the ones the supermarket gods themselves say are ‘ready to eat’. And it’s easy to eat them, particularly if you have no teeth, because by the time you leave the shop they’re soft and rotten.
Yoghurt, like its brother cheese before it, should just embrace mould as a flavour feature, because it’s always f**king covered in it the day after you buy it. Oh well, it’s all ‘good bacteria’ isn’t it? Or is it?