Best thing about restaurants is going for a poo, say toddlers

TODDLERS have agreed that their favourite thing about visiting grown-up restaurants is going for a poo the moment food arrives. 

Children aged between 18 months and four years confirmed that they like the ice-cream, they like the crayons and they like being given daddy’s phone to make them shut up, but best of all they like to defecate.

Three-year-old Jamie Logan said: “They’ll try and make you go at home, but don’t fall for it. Keep those bowels nice and full until you get to the restaurant then let the good times roll.

“Do your colouring, have your Coke, then just as the buffalo wings arrive fresh and fragrant announce you’ve got a delivery to make of your own.

“Cram into a toilet with a parent, produce a staggering amount of stinking excreta, then open the door while mum’s still having a wee. Good times.

“Then burst into tears when the hand dryer goes on. That thing is f**king terrifying.”

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Builders know you give them your shittiest mugs

BUILDERS and plumbers have confirmed that they know full well they are given the oldest and ugliest mugs for their tea.

The tradespeople agreed that it is offensive to single them out as incapable of handling the nice mugs, especially as they are far more skilled with their hands than the effete snobs employing them.

Electrician Wayne Hayes said: “You’re trusting me to wire the house so you don’t get electrocuted, but no way am I able to drink tea from your Orla Kiely mugs without shattering them. Pricks.

“I’ve got Wedgwood bone china at home. I collect porcelain Lladró figurines. But you see the dirty overalls and I’m drinking out of a heat-sensitive Star Wars mug that hasn’t been used since your Secret Santa awarded it last year. Thanks a lot.”

Bathroom fitter Steve Malley agreed: “I’m a person like you. I live in a house. Just because I don’t wear a tie to work doesn’t mean I’ll finish my tea then toss the mug carelessly over my shoulder, oblivious to where it lands.

“You’d give me a plastic sippy cup if you could, wouldn’t you? Patronising f**kers. This is why we overcharge you.”