Man unsure if he's a left-wing Labour voter or a far-right racist

A NORTHERN man is undecided as to whether to back the most radically left-wing Labour party of his lifetime or a bunch of far-right hardcore racists.

Roy Hobbs, from Hartlepool, has voted Labour all his life but admits he is tempted by the Brexit party’s diametrically opposed political views.

He said: “I do like public services, the NHS, higher taxes on billionaires and more rights for workers. But I’m also drawn to abolishing the public sector, privatising the NHS, no taxes on billionaires and no rights for workers.

“I’ve got no problem with Eastern Europeans, including the ones who were so nice when my mum had a cancer scare, but I think they all need to be deported. Why can’t one party offer me both?

“Farage is definitely ahead on the xenophobia but then Corbyn’s anti-Semitic, which evens things out. I just can’t decide whether a Venezuela-style economic collapse or a no-deal national disaster is more me.”

He added: “We do need sustainable regional development in this area. But I think, when it comes down to it, I’ll probably vote against the gays.”

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UK public transport still nowhere near being envy of anywhere in entire world

PUBLIC transport in the UK is still not the envy of any other place on Earth, research has confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that despite being one of the richest countries in the world, the UK could not organise ‘a p*ss up in a brewery’ especially if a bus or train was required to get people to the brewery.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “You’d think it would be rather simple just arranging for transport to leave and arrive at a certain time, every day. And you’d be right.

“Especially if you were French, Swedish, German or from anywhere in the world that isn’t the UK.

“Also, if you were to come from any of those places you’d be paying a lot less for the ticket that could even, for example, get you where you wanted to go, on time.”

A spokesman for Southern Railways, added: “It’s great that a train being late has absolutely no knock-on effects whatsoever.”