The Conservative candidate's guide to the unemployed

IS your firm conviction that people on benefits should be ‘put down’, as Tory candidate Francesca O’Brien said, going over badly on the doorsteps? Try these ideas: 


Obviously the unemployed are useless untermenschen so the least they can do is perform easy tasks dog-walking or cleaning the toilet for free. Ageing Tory couples without sex lives could do the attractive ones, like in the Deep South.

Organ banks

Benefits claimants are full of great spares including eyeballs, livers and even entire limbs. They’re not doing anything useful with them. All that’s necessary is for them to report to hospital when a proper person is inujured. There’s no need to be callous about it.


Fox-hunting getting dull? You may not think it, but doleys can actually be quite cunning, as seen on Jeremy Kyle. Flush them out of their flats with hounds – essentially a standard eviction nowadays – and chase them to ground. Don’t touch their blood, it’s toxic.


There’s nothing worse than losing a beloved dog after just 13 years of canine companionship. A cute little council estate guttersnipe could live to their mid-40s, and will love wearing a collar and chasing a ball on all fours if you get them the upmarket pet food and a comfy basket.


Human flesh tastes like chicken, so a single unemployed person’s arm could make delightful morsels wrapped in puff pastry. Or just have the entire limb deep-fried with a spicy dipping sauce for a family-sized Dominos-style ‘hot wing’, to feed back to the remaining poor.

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Twat at front of queue deciding what to order

A TWAT who has reached the front of the queue after 25 minutes has finally started to decide what he wants.

Stephen Malley had plenty of time to choose what to order while waiting in line at his local coffee shop but actively passed up the opportunity.

Wayne Hayes, who is waiting behind Malley, said: “There’s only one barista who’s having to prepare complicated seasonal drinks, so he’s had an eternity to make his mind up.

“Does he honestly think this is how other people order? It looks like he’s going through each item individually and working out what to buy through some obscure process of elimination.

“If he asks to look at the allergen folder I might have to take matters into my own hands by sighing or live tweeting my frustration.”

Malley said: “I just enjoy taking in my surroundings while I’m queuing. There’s so much to process, what with the promotional displays and the selection of appetising treats in the pastry cabinet.”