The Conservative candidate’s guide to the unemployed

IS your firm conviction that people on benefits should be ‘put down’, as Tory candidate Francesca O’Brien said, going over badly on the doorsteps? Try these ideas: 

Slavery

Obviously the unemployed are useless untermenschen so the least they can do is perform easy tasks dog-walking or cleaning the toilet for free. Ageing Tory couples without sex lives could do the attractive ones, like in the Deep South.

Organ banks

Benefits claimants are full of great spares including eyeballs, livers and even entire limbs. They’re not doing anything useful with them. All that’s necessary is for them to report to hospital when a proper person is inujured. There’s no need to be callous about it.

Hunting

Fox-hunting getting dull? You may not think it, but doleys can actually be quite cunning, as seen on Jeremy Kyle. Flush them out of their flats with hounds – essentially a standard eviction nowadays – and chase them to ground. Don’t touch their blood, it’s toxic.

Pets

There’s nothing worse than losing a beloved dog after just 13 years of canine companionship. A cute little council estate guttersnipe could live to their mid-40s, and will love wearing a collar and chasing a ball on all fours if you get them the upmarket pet food and a comfy basket.

Canapés

Human flesh tastes like chicken, so a single unemployed person’s arm could make delightful morsels wrapped in puff pastry. Or just have the entire limb deep-fried with a spicy dipping sauce for a family-sized Dominos-style ‘hot wing’, to feed back to the remaining poor.