What politicians would say if they could swear on telly

POLITICIANS love a good back and forth but sadly, a lot like a soap opera, they can’t swear at each other. But what would it sound like if they could?

Johnson and Corbyn, head-to-head in a TV debate
Johnson: This Marxist twat-heap should stick to his allotment where his mum probably gives handjobs for racing tips.

Corbyn: Go f*ck yourself you stupid, posh nonce. And you mention my allotment again and I’ll kick your f*cking balls into orbit.

Jo Swinson, on Question Time, asked why people should trust the Lib Dems after their collation with the Tories
“Why do you motherf*ckers keep bringing up that sh*t? It’s not like we’d do it again. Or we wouldn’t admit to it on camera anyway, you gormless gobsh*te. Asking me some sh*t like that and expecting an honest answer? Jesus tap dancing Christ.”

Jacob Rees-Mogg, on The One Show, asked how Brexit is going
“It’s an absolute f*ck-storm that’s been royally arsed from start to finish and no one has a f*cking jar of glue what the f*ck is actually going on. Properly f*cked. F*cked to f*ckity f*ckalicious f*ck. Now sh*t off.”

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Middle class drunks press-ganged into becoming Brexit Party candidates

MIDDLE class drunks are being dragged from their homes and signed up as Brexit Party candidates for the general election.

Around the UK, people who drive Audis and complain about their Polish plumbers are waking up after a heavy night to find they are wearing a pale blue rosette and clutching a leaflet with a large photo of Nigel Farage’s grinning face.

Stephen Malley, a retired accountant, said: “It was a typical Sunday night in front of the TV. I started on gin, then moved onto some Pinot Noir. The last thing I remember is necking a few shots of Famous Grouse.

“I wake up and a man’s helping me to sign something. I look down and I’m wearing a dark blue suit and I’m canvassing on Worthing high street.”

He added: “Apparently all I have to do is exist and I’ll get votes. It doesn’t matter if I’ve got a history of racist Facebook posts or I’m called Annunziata. Nobody cares.

“I said ‘What happens if I win?’ They said even Nigel doesn’t win. I said ‘What’s the point then?’ and they told me to stop thinking about it and have a ‘quick snifter’.”