Woman reading self-improvement books becoming much worse person

A WOMAN with a passion for self-improvement books is becoming an increasingly awful person, it has emerged.

Emma Bradford reads things like ‘How to communicate better’ and ‘How to be the person you want to be’ but is now just a twat.

Bradford said: “I much prefer the term ‘self-improvement’ to ‘self-help’. It’s about how you can grow as a person through your own efforts. A lot of people don’t get that because they’re lazy idiots.

“One of the best things I learned is about how to listen. You pay attention to when the other person is about to stop talking and then you say whatever you want.”

Bradford is writing her own self-improvement book, which she will release as an e-book after making all of her friends read it.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Meetings ‘optimal time to think about sex’

THE best time to think about sex is during a work meeting, researchers have found.

Meetings are the perfect time to think about sex because it is possible to sit there nodding at something on a screen, yet be thinking nonstop about what it might be like to bed that 23-year-old from personnel.

Researchers confirmed multiple benefits of using meetings to think about sex, including getting paid while experiencing imaginary sex acts, and avoiding listening to something called a ‘risks register’.

Other environments were ‘less optimal’ for imagining a good boning, including operating a forklift, administering intravenous medication or having a conversation with HMRC.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, stressed it was important to maintain an internal monologue, adding: “It gives the game away if Nathan from personnel asks if there are any questions and you scream, ‘Yes! Yes! Harder!’.

“The only thing that doesn’t work is marketing meetings. They make you feel that humanity should stop reproducing altogether in case it produces more marketing executives.”