Brand new vegan excited to ruin Christmas for everyone

A WOMAN who has only recently become a vegan is getting ready to shit on every angle of her family’s Christmas.

Nikki Hollis made the decision to stop consuming animal products after realising it suited her lifestyle choice of being passive-aggressively difficult, and is now excited to inflict her beliefs on her loved ones over the festive period.

Hollis said: “There are so many so aspects of Christmas that involve the consumption of things that were once part of animal, and I really care about animals. Almost as much as I care about pissing off my family.

“From the traditional milk chocolate coins in the morning, through a Christmas dinner of a dead bird and bits of pig wrapped in other bits of pig, to a cheese board groaning with solidified cow pus, I’m going to whine about it all.

“I can even ruin their enjoyment of sipping a nice glass of red wine by banging on about how it’s strained through fish guts. It’ll be the best Christmas ever.”

Hollis’ father Pete said: “We’ll probably lock her out. We’d happily accommodate a vegan, but Nikki’s just a massive pain in the arse.”