Breakfast in bed just a massive pain in the arse

HAVING breakfast in bed is not actually enjoyable and just involves lots of discomfort and mess, it has been confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that a successful breakfast in bed is merely a popular myth with no more basis in reality than fairies, vampires or Atlantis.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “First there’s the hassle of cooking it. By the time you’ve prepared all the stuff like sausages and toast you’re wide awake and may as well just get up.

“Then there’s the problem of eating while propped up awkwardly in bed. Any enjoyment of the food is completely negated by the stress of trying not to drip egg yolk everywhere.

“Of most concern are the baked beans, which will escape from your plate with more determination than the inmates of Colditz.

“My advice is to either go back to sleep or get up and have a civilised meal using a popular food consumption device known as a ‘table’.”

Office manager Tom Logan said: “I didn’t enjoy breakfast in bed because I couldn’t get comfy and my wife was livid when I dropped a greasy sausage on the Laura Ashley duvet.

“That opened the floodgates about all the problems in our marriage and now we’re getting divorced. I knew we should have had croissants.”

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Five ways to say 'I told you so' while being a passive-aggressive dick about it

NOBODY likes to hear ‘I told you so’, but everyone loves finding a way to say it. Here’s five particularly dickish ways to say ‘I told you so’ without using the actual words:

‘I thought this might happen’
The perfect way to let everyone know that you saw a disaster coming, could have averted it, didn’t and now expect recognition of your prescient wisdom.

‘I’m not going to say it’
Conveys that you are thinking the words ‘I told you so’ and even putting them in others’ minds, but just stops short of actually saying it. Which is even worse.

‘It’s a lesson for next time’
And that lesson is ‘Next time listen to me, you useless twat. I’m not eye-rolling for nothing over here’.

‘If only someone had said something’
Somebody did say something. You did. But this way you get to look gracious enough not to take credit while still patting yourself on the back.

Heavy sigh
Pure judgement – no words needed. The message will be clearly received and if it’s not, you’ve always got more sighs in the sigh-bank. Try teaming it with a long, ruminative shake of the head, like an absolute dick.