Britain to continue eating crisps whatever

THE UK has confirmed that even if crisps cost four times as much as they currently cost, they will still eat them because they like crisps. 

New proposals could put 1p on a standard pack of Walkers and up to 5p on the quaintly-termed family sharing bag which Britons eat alone in their cars for lunch, none of which is expected to affect crisp consumption even slightly. 

James Bates of Stafford said: “It hurts that they’re going to put the price of Frosties up, but if it slows obesity it’s the right thing to do? Crisps? They’re not bad for you. They’re crisps. 

“Crisp consumption has gone up 4,000 per cent since 1945. We give a whole aisle of our supermarkets over to them. If there’s one thing that unites Britain today, it’s crisps. 

“Europe can’t do them. They think cheese Lays are wildly innovative. America can barely manage Doritos. Crisps, in all their myriad forms and flavours, are what make us unique. 

“Tax crisps? We should be remaking ourselves as an international centre of crisp excellence, leading global crisp consumption, making crisps key to our every trade deal. The whole world should be eating our crisps.

“Until then, we will fly this flag alone. Are you nipping the shop? Get us a packet of those Sensations Wasabi & Ginger would you? Those 10am Quavers didn’t fill the hole.”

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Five TV shows you'll only watch out of obligation

STRUGGLING to enjoy a TV show? Wish you were looking at the blank wall behind your telly instead? You’re probably watching one of these programmes.

Doctor Who

It’s been a couple of years since you actually enjoyed the hit sci-fi show for children. Nowadays you only tune in out of a misguided sense of duty because you stupidly built your whole identity around it. Your cynicism has got nothing to do with Jodie Whittaker though, who you progressively think is totally average in the lead role.

Some Marvel series bollocks

You never read their comics, you don’t enjoy their films, and yet here you are subscribing to Disney+ so you can watch a Marvel series you have no real interest in. Even if it’s well written and superbly produced, there’s still a nagging voice in your head telling you to grow up. And it’s right, you should.

The latest Netflix hit

You only felt compelled to watch the latest flavour of the month Netflix show because everyone you know is banging on about it. You’ll sit through every last tedious minute just so you can briefly join in with their conversations, before they move on to another terrible series and you have to do it all over again.

Peppa Pig

You’ve either endured the punishing agony of watching the same episode Peppa Pig on a loop for hours with your own kids, or been subjected to this torture in the company of someone else’s. The show’s banned in China though, so maybe think about emigrating to Beijing to escape the animated porcine pricks forever.

The news

You’re glued to your phone 24/7 so watching the news is redundant. This doesn’t stop you from sticking it on though in case there’s an exciting update or you get to see Naga Munchetty wearing a nice dress. The weather is pretty entertaining too, as far as speculative fiction with no connection to real life goes.