Avoid, delay, deny: how to manage deadlines

DEADLINE approaching? Here’s how to face it head-on by using every displacement activity possible until the final minute: 

Avoidance

Deadlines are motivational and give you energy to complete a million other tasks instead. Why not reply to your backlog of emails? Change all your passwords to secure ones? Make sure all your files since 2015 are backed up? The more you can do in the opposite direction to the work you’re supposed to be doing, the less you’ll worry about it.

Delay

Deadlines are intimidating, which is why it’s always wise to put them off. Perhaps you could get on that presentation as soon as you have spoken to everyone else in the company to ‘get their input’? Even better, set aside some time for ‘wider research’. Make sure it’s open-ended.

Denial

Three reports that you have had six weeks to prepare are due tomorrow? Does anyone have irrefutable proof that you knew this, or can you delete all email chains and deny all knowledge? If colleagues question this, deny that you are in fact the person they believe you are. The perfect opportunity for a total personal and professional rebrand.

Blame

The closer the deadline, the greater the reward when you drop a colleague in the shit for failing to meet it. If you’d assumed Kevin would cross-check the sales results how is it your fault he hasn’t? When Kevin starts up on you blame the failure on something no one can be bothered to deal with, like a ‘toxic company culture’.

Relocation

When pressure mounts and you feel overwhelmed by the stress of contending with projects that your boss insists are ‘literally the only reason I hired you’, there’s always running away. Whether you move company, city or continent it’s key to leave your deadlines unmet, your bridges burned and your LinkedIn endorsements firmly off.

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Parents take fortnight to watch film because kids won't stay in bed

A COUPLE with two children under eight have been watching The Revenant every night for the last two weeks because the kids will not stay the f**k in bed. 

Emma and John Bradford began watching the film at 9.46pm on Thursday July 1st because they could not be arsed with Dragons’ Den, and finished it at 10.55pm yesterday.

Emma said: “They work as a tag team. Whenever one’s tucked up it’s the other one’s turn to come down.

“First there’s the random questions. Do they really need to know what their chin’s for, how socks are made or what colour a female duck is at f**king half-nine at night?

“Then there’s the endless illnesses they seem to get between the hours of 8pm and 10pm. Tummy aches, twitchy feet, hurty eyebrows and sore throats all miraculously gone by the morning.

“And all the other stuff stopping them from sleeping. They’re too hot, too cold, too itchy, starving hungry or their pyjamas are too pyjamary.

“Apparently we paused the film 286 times and watched it in slices of between 13 minutes and four seconds. I have no idea what happened. I think Leonardo DiCaprio was in it.”