Caramac dies, and with it the guttering flame of Western civilisation

THE Caramac has gone. And now all there is left to do is wait for the rest of Western civilisation to inevitably follow. 

Yesterday, Nestlé – a company accused of many crimes, but none more serious than this – announced that it was discontinuing the Caramac. Another pillar of the Enlightenment toppled.

To enter a corner shop and not see the familiar orange-and-yellow of the Caramac wrapper winking at us, a sight as British as a Royal guardsman, as a Tory MP sex scandal, as a modded-up Punto revving in an out-of-town retail park, is the beginning of the end.

Where now is our diversity, when only milk, white and plain chocolate are available? Where now the concern for the marginalised when a beloved bar can be shoved into the dustbin of history just because it isn’t bought much?

After the Caramac, the deluge. Within a decade everything we hold dear will be washed away. Your homes, your families, your democratic rights will all be lost now freedom’s last defender is gone.

Do not blame the Caramac. Its shoulders bore this burden alone for too long. Blame Nestlé, too blinded by profit. Blame the politicians, ignorant of the confectionary rock upon which Britain rested. But most of all blame your own, Wispa-distracted self.

You allowed the Caramac to slip away. You opened the gates to barbarians. And now, like Camelot, our civilisation falls.

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Pensioners at computer literacy class all keen to spread bigotry online

ALL attendees at a computer literacy class for the over-70s are learning to use the internet so they can share their prejudices with the world. 

The IT professional hosting the course in Doncaster Library was planning to explain how to pay bills and make simple purchases, but instead has explained to a number of kind-eyed grandmothers how to post vile vitriol to MailOnline.

He said: “They don’t want to see their grandchildren on Instagram or play bridge with friends online. They want to be really horribly racist.

“It’s essentially a fascist propaganda knitting circle. A dozen beige-clad Joseph Goebbels with incontinence issue wanting Guardian logins so they can give the lefties a good bloody hiding. What have I done?”

Attendee Margaret Gerving said: “I’m learning the ITs because I don’t want to get left behind. Except politically. I’m staying firmly in the 1930s there.

“So wonderful that in this modern age you can advocate for the superiority of the British race from your own spare room. Now I must get back to this comment about how we should never have given Ceylon back because they were happier under our rule.

Roy Hobbs agreed: “My grandson’s travelling around Thailand. I’d love to be able to see the gorgeous photos he’s posting. And call them all ladyboys and heroin smugglers because they are and that’s free speech.”