SHEFFIELD University has carried out a study of regional insults, most of which are stupid and make you sound like a halfwit yokel. Here is a sample in order of increasing shitness.
North West: pillock
A fairly lame term for a stupid person, but the main problem is that it feels very dated. They say it in Last of the Summer Wine, if further proof were needed. Ideal if you want to sound like a comedy Northerner, otherwise say ‘you stupid bastard’ and retain your dignity.
Yorkshire: minger
An unattractive person and a word overused by comedians and Radio 1 DJs because it’s amusingly juvenile, or was. It’s hard to know what’s worse, sounding like an annoying 14-year-old girl, or Chris Moyles. Actually it’s obviously the latter. Apologies to pain-in-the-arse teenage girls.
Cumbria: mayglem
What even is this? A truly obscure term meaning ‘simpleton’, it should rank far higher, but nobody will know what you’re talking about. An insect? A trade name for some construction product? Keep your weird Cumbrian ways to yourselves, thanks.
Midlands: daft apeth
Regional bollocks writ large. Repeat this term meaning ‘foolish person’ and people will assume you’re a twat who thinks coming from the Midlands makes you somehow gritty and authentic, like the MP Jess Phillips. You may also be in the habit of wanking on about ‘cobs’ which are no doubt ‘bostin’. Don’t. Shut up.
Scotland: numpty
A word meaning dimwit popularised by Billy Connolly. It’s one of those words that was once quite fun but is now an ancient relic from the 90s. Saying it makes you as on-trend as excitedly asking colleagues at the water cooler: ‘Oh my God, who saw This Life last night?’
Manchester: bobbins
Rubbish or poor quality, but not particularly biting or memorable as a pejorative. Peter Kay uses it in his stand-up routines, but you don’t have to copy everything Peter Kay does. Unless you’re at risk of a heart attack.
Scotland: glaikit
Another term that will baffle non-locals, broadly meaning ‘vacant’. Not as entertaining as other Scottishisms like ‘wee radge’ or ‘scoobied’, so frankly you may as well just say ‘vacant’.
Portsmouth: dinlo
Yeah, definitely go around saying this Portsmouth word for ‘idiot’ no one else in Britain has heard of. People will be forced to awkwardly say ‘Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that’. Or, more likely, nod politely and then avoid the loony permanently.
London: muppet
Well-known London insult meaning foolish or incompetent person, now more associated with Danny Dyer, Gordon Ramsay and Guy Ritchie. Which makes it impossible to say without sounding like a twat of some description.
Nottingham: mardy git
God you sound like a moron using this ostentatiously regional term for someone who is moody or sulky. People will assume you live on a diet of pies and didn’t go to university. And they’ll be right.
Yorkshire: wazzock
Provincial, juvenile and not used for decades. Imagine saying this in a grown-up context such as a work meeting. You’ll sound like a total idiot, and co-workers will be wondering what bizarre, hopelessly outdated insult you’ll come up with next. ‘Wally’?
