ANYTHING baked by small children is largely composed of human saliva and other bodily secretions, test results have confirmed.
As young children offer around plates of buns and biscuits at family gatherings, adults are warned that they are basically stuck together with spit, snot and even earwax.
Helen Archer of Congleton said: “When my niece Lottie offered round a plate of small, flat cakes I could tell she’d made them from the other end of the patio. The consistency of the icing was too runny. The bubbles were suspicious.
“It’s cute and everything, but don’t get me involved. I’d already seen her scratch her arse with the same hand she plunged into the communal crisp bowl. Food hygiene inspectors would have something to say.
“But the junior spittle-pusher wouldn’t take no for an answer. Didn’t buy my whole ‘hold it near your mouth and make chewing noises’ act either. Made me take a bite, with her mother cheering her on.
“As soon as she wasn’t looking, I spat my mouthful into the freesias. What’s the big deal? They’re only sodding fairy cakes. I brought homemade couscous I’d managed not to gob in and no one clapped for me.”
Six-year-old Lottie Phelps said: “Eat my spit. Eat it.”