Child's baking project 90 per cent spit

ANYTHING baked by small children is largely composed of human saliva and other bodily secretions, test results have confirmed. 

As young children offer around plates of buns and biscuits at family gatherings, adults are warned that they are basically stuck together with spit, snot and even earwax.

Helen Archer of Congleton said: “When my niece Lottie offered round a plate of small, flat cakes I could tell she’d made them from the other end of the patio. The consistency of the icing was too runny. The bubbles were suspicious.

“It’s cute and everything, but don’t get me involved. I’d already seen her scratch her arse with the same hand she plunged into the communal crisp bowl. Food hygiene inspectors would have something to say.

“But the junior spittle-pusher wouldn’t take no for an answer. Didn’t buy my whole ‘hold it near your mouth and make chewing noises’ act either. Made me take a bite, with her mother cheering her on.

“As soon as she wasn’t looking, I spat my mouthful into the freesias. What’s the big deal? They’re only sodding fairy cakes. I brought homemade couscous I’d managed not to gob in and no one clapped for me.”

Six-year-old Lottie Phelps said: “Eat my spit. Eat it.”

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Abandoned beer gardens feeling cheap and used

THE beer gardens that were everyone’s darling last month are not even being looked at by thirsty pubgoers flocking indoors. 

Outdoor drinking areas are slowly realising that it was not love, they were nothing more than a convenient way for you to get your kicks before your preferred seating arrangement became available, and cannot believe you could be so cruel.

The beer garden of the Crown in Amersham said: “So that’s it then? Not even a quick farewell half for old times’ sake? I thought we had something real.

“Remember that time you huddled under my parasol as a fierce squall rolled overhead? It seemed like we were having a moment. Like we’d formed a bond. And what, the first flash of roof and you’re gone?

“I would ask what indoors has that I haven’t but it’s pretty obvious. Central heating, carpets, ceilings; they’re pretty popular I guess. I just didn’t realise you were that shallow.

“Well, I hope you’re both very happy together. Just don’t come crawling back to me in summer. I’ll be seeing hundreds of other people by then.”

Drinker Nathan Muir said: “Yeah, I need to go out for a fag. This is going to be awkward.”