Couple on small plates date night get KFC bucket on way home

A COUPLE who experienced a small plates meal at a trendy restaurant were forced to buy a f**k off massive KFC bucket on the way home.

Tom and Emma Bradford confirmed that the service was good and the ambience pleasant but the portions were so stupidly minuscule that they had to gorge themselves on cheap chicken afterwards.

Tom Bradford said: “As soon as I’d settled on my uncomfortable bar stool the waiter said ‘Are you familiar with our small plates concept?’ and my heart sank like a stone.

“We were brought something described as ‘calamari, foam, chèvre crumble’ which for £8 turned out to be a microscopic tentacle with a bit of bubbly stuff and tiny cheese particles.

“Emma took some beautiful pictures for social media but once we’d cut it in half to share it was barely worth the effort of putting it in our mouths.

“Also, they’d done that wanky thing where they remove the pound signs from the menu and just write numbers like ’14’ and ‘9’. I don’t think they appreciated my joke about whether that still meant I had to pay with real money.

“So we went to KFC and shovelled it down our gullets on the train like animals. Emma didn’t put that bit on Instagram.”

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Teenager discovers amazing ability to ruin holiday for everyone else

A TEENAGE girl has discovered she has the superhuman ability to completely f**k up a family holiday for everyone else involved.

Hannah Tomlinson, aged 13, first exercised her incredible new power on the third day of a fortnight’s trip to Majorca and was astonished to find that she, single-handed, could effortlessly ruin it for four other people.

She said: “Dad said that we’d spent yesterday on the beach so we had to do some medieval castle bullshit, and it was like it awoke a great sleeping giant within me as I screamed ‘f**k off’.

“He still made us, but I trudged there muttering, tripped and cut my foot and cried, said my life may as well be over and it was all their fault, and it was incredible. My dad, my mum, both brothers: all stunned into silence, not one of them able to extract any enjoyment.

“I thought it was a one-off, but then I came down to the hotel buffet the next morning and once again found my strange new ability rising within me, devastating the whole family as I said, without warning, ‘I’m vegan’.

“It happened every day after that. I barely even had to try. All I had to do was get sunburned, lose my phone, get a spot or find them all boring and the whole thing was ruined.

“It’s like being one of the X-Men, but my superpower is spreading misery, disappointment and costing my parents £4,500 for a holiday they hated. I can’t wait to see what it does in future.”