Couple who only 'eat local' mostly eat cabbage

A COUPLE who pride themselves on buying fruit and vegetables grown locally eat only cabbages for eight months of the year.

Eleanor and Michael Shaw from Bedfordshire believe in letting everyone know that their fresh produce has zero air miles and even less taste.

Eleanor said: “We let nature choose our tasting menu. Unfortunately nature has a fairly shit imagination so it’s mainly coarse vegetable matter that needs to be stewed for hours in order to be suitable for non-bovine teeth.

“Importing food isn’t a sustainable or ethical way to live, plus I think on a holistic level it makes sense to consume foods that grew in as depressing a climate as you live in”.

Michael Shaw added: “We like supporting local farmers because that way we can avoid labelling that might clarify what the hell kind of soiled leaf we’re buying.

“In the summer we eat like kings, for the rest of the year, we add a lot of tabasco to mask the overwhelming cabbageyness of it all.

“We’re all about farm-to-table, or as we say on a particularly cabbage-heavy month, farm-to-sod-it-let’s-go-to-McDonalds.”

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How much do you hate your job?

JOBS. No one likes them except for pricks. But how much do you genuinely hate yours? Let’s take a look…

How much would you rate your job out of 10?

A. Oh, a 10. Despite the fact that it’s a purely financial agreement that realistically either side could break at any time.

B. Minus zero and counting.

Would the place ‘fall apart’ without you?

A. Of course it would. I pretty much run this place. Despite the fact I don’t have a contract and they could let me go without any real reason at any given opportunity.

B. If it did fall apart I know who they’d ask to clean it up.

How do you spend most of your working day?

A. Not thinking about my bitterness towards an unresolved work issue for which I have always held a grudge.

B. Thinking about my bitterness towards an unresolved work issue for which I have always held a grudge.

What else could you do?

A. Why would I want to risk all this nothing on something better?

B. My only fear is that if I did quit there will be nothing stopping me from running off into the woods and becoming a full-time survivalist maniac.

Mostly As: Well done, you somehow don’t hate your job. Are you okay?

Mostly Bs: Well done, you hate your job. Are you the leader of the Labour Party?