A MAN who already has a top of the range barbecue is giving a new outdoor cooking appliance the eye while lasciviously licking his lips.
48-year-old Julian Cook, who regularly stays up late watching Instagram content chefs pimping out Gozneys, is secretly yearning for a wood-fired dome oven that can deliver a perfect pizza in 90 seconds.
He said: “I was in the market for something new. What my wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her. And this sexy little bitch gave me the eye.
“Foldable legs right up to her arse, double-decker, able to take a 12 inch pie without flinching. Imagine that gleaming under the sun, splayed out on the decking? Phwoar.
“Twiddling knobs on a gas barbecue doesn’t do it for me anymore. I need a piece of strange. Just wait until the lads see what a ride she is. 500 degrees of pure jealousy. They’ll all want a slice but she’ll be at home with me.
“The char on those crusts is enough to get me salivating, but it’s nothing without the foreplay. Watching that thermometer peak before sliding the wet dough in. She’s calling me for only a cool two grand. I’ve got the big spanking paddle ready.”
Wife Emma said: “We all have to sublimate the unfulfilled sexual urges in our marriages somehow. I lurk on Norwegian property forums.”
