Dad develops strange new personality every time he talks to a waitress

A FATHER-OF-TWO puts on a strange, jocular personality whenever he is in a restaurant, to the extreme discomfort of his family and female waiting staff.

Martin Bishop starts speaking in an inappropriately loud voice and making jokes he thinks are funny, but actually make his wife and children want to kill both him and themselves.

Daughter Nikki said: “Dad’s usually a pleasant, relatively normal man but there’s something about talking to waitresses that turns him into a disturbing hybrid of Les Dawson and Homer Simpson.

“The other day he told one he likes to eat his salad ‘undressed’ and then laughed like a lunatic while everyone wished they’d get sudden, catastrophic food poisoning just so they could escape the situation.

“Once he asked a waitress ‘Do you like this wine?’, as if he was inviting a 17-year-old stranger at work to sit down with us, which would have been deeply peculiar.

“Still, it was better than that time he tried to make a running joke about asking for a jug of water. I swear the waitress’s false smile was causing me actual physical pain.

“We can’t even accuse him of being sexist because he’s pretty weird with male waiters too. The other night he asked some poor sod ‘Do you go out to the nightclubs?’. Where the fuck was that supposed to lead?”

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How to pretend you're drinking in moderation

IF you drink too much it’s vital to convince yourself you just enjoy a harmless regular tipple. Here’s how to delude yourself.

Convince yourself you only drink ‘socially’

There’s nothing wrong with letting off some steam and getting hammered with your mates, is there? Even if you’re at home and counting people on the telly and your cat as ‘mates’.

Claim you only drink with meals

Tell yourself that people who drink with meals are sophisticated, like the French. The only difference is they stop when they finish eating, whereas you’re still glugging Shiraz and gnawing a Twix at midnight, which is apparently still dinner.

Pretend you never drink in the daytime

Apart from the following exceptions: weekends, bank holidays, Christmas, Easter, when abroad, weddings, christenings, funerals, half-days, birthdays (yours and other people’s), when hungover and any pathetic excuse at the office, like a fire alarm.

Say it’s medicinal

Some people swear by a couple of glasses of whisky when they’re feeling peaky. That’s fine, because even if that whisky is chasing several pints of Stella and a Jagerbomb, it’s still making you feel better.

Convince yourself you’re a connoisseur

Develop a love of craft beer whereby you have to sample several different types daily, followed by a four-pack of Grolsch for contrast. Alternatively, get into wine – then you’re just drinking for the earthy undertones with a hint of citrus, not because it makes you all happy and wibbly.

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