Thursday, 25th February 2021

Dad develops strange new personality every time he talks to a waitress

A FATHER-OF-TWO puts on a strange, jocular personality whenever he is in a restaurant, to the extreme discomfort of his family and female waiting staff.

Martin Bishop starts speaking in an inappropriately loud voice and making jokes he thinks are funny, but actually make his wife and children want to kill both him and themselves.

Daughter Nikki said: “Dad’s usually a pleasant, relatively normal man but there’s something about talking to waitresses that turns him into a disturbing hybrid of Les Dawson and Homer Simpson.

“The other day he told one he likes to eat his salad ‘undressed’ and then laughed like a lunatic while everyone wished they’d get sudden, catastrophic food poisoning just so they could escape the situation.

“Once he asked a waitress ‘Do you like this wine?’, as if he was inviting a 17-year-old stranger at work to sit down with us, which would have been deeply peculiar.

“Still, it was better than that time he tried to make a running joke about asking for a jug of water. I swear the waitress’s false smile was causing me actual physical pain.

“We can’t even accuse him of being sexist because he’s pretty weird with male waiters too. The other night he asked some poor sod ‘Do you go out to the nightclubs?’. Where the fuck was that supposed to lead?”