Dads looking for new foods to air fry

FATHERS have confirmed that they are excitedly searching for new things to air fry. 

Having initially experimented with air frying in a bid to cook more healthily, dads are finding themselves gripped by the need to find new foodstuffs to put in their special little man-cooker. 

Martin Bishop, 42, said: “You start small at first, a chicken breast, salmon fillets, some chips at weekends. Nothing serious, just experimenting. 

“Then you start doing it on weekdays – meatballs, a cheeky empanada or two. You don’t realise it, but you’re going deeper down the air-fried rabbit hole. 

“Before you know it, you’re thinking about your air fryer at work, counting down the hours until you can slip a carrot cake or 75 per cent less fat chicken wings into its easy-to-clean basket. 

“You join air fryer groups on Facebook. Your wife catches you downstairs at 2am watching videos online of air-fried Oreos. I had to slam the laptop closed and say I was just looking at teenage porn. Luckily she believed me.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We have noticed a worrying rise in the number of middle-aged men in the grip of air fryer addiction, and a related decrease in sales of unflattering cycling gear.”

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How to de-ice your car using nothing but your own urine, by a man

CAR iced up? No de-icer or scraper? Follow my advice and you’ll be back at the wheel in moments, using nothing but your own tool.

Fuel up

Check the weather a couple of hours before setting off by getting up in the middle of the night for a slash. Younger motorists may need to set an alarm. If it’s icy, forego the loo and instead drink a few pints of water as you would for a hangover. Drinking eight cans the evening before also helps.

Suit up

Wear loose but accessible clothing, like pyjamas or a business suit. Despite the cold gloves should not be worn as they will get pissy. Wellingtons are recommended, and Hunter is the brand with the Royal seal of approval.

Begin strongly

Your jet of piping hot urine will never be more powerful than when you break the seal, so direct it to high and distant areas of the vehicle. The top of the windscreen should receive a real dousing. Owners of SUVs may wish to stand on a dining chair.

Race around

With no dedicated heaters, side windows can be the toughest to de-ice. Race around your car with your knob out wazzing wildly, in a version of the circle-strafe technique popularised by video game Doom. Don’t forget to train closing dribbles on the wing mirrors.

Hose her down

To avoid discolouration or odour, connect a hose to a hot tap and wash your vehicle down with warm water after finishing urinating and replacing your penis in clothing. Pay particular attention to those areas you pissed on.

If a woman

If you are a woman you cannot do this. Goes to show you need a man about the place, doesn’t it?