Dessert menus with no chocolate items can f**k off, confirm Britons

DESSERT menus that do not include any chocolate-based offerings have been sternly told where to go by the British public.

A restaurant’s list of desserts should always contain at least one chocolate item which people can politely pretend not to be interested in until they inevitably succumb to temptation.

Diner Susan Traherne said: “Shit like panna cotta, sorbet, and cheese and biscuits only appear on dessert menus as a formality. All people really want is a huge wedge of chocolate cake. Don’t play games with us by not including it.

“Fruit purée can piss off. So can anything involving matcha. I don’t even know what affogato is but it’s not chocolate, so why would anyone order that?”

Banging the table with her knife and fork, she added: “I want my chocolate mousse and I want it now.”

Friend Mary Fisher said: “Customers should be allowed to sling chocolate-less menus out the window and spit on the chefs. It’s what they deserve for insulting us with such a travesty of so-called food.

“As a compromise I am willing to entertain the idea of a sticky toffee pudding swimming in syrupy sauce. But even then I’d much rather the waiting staff bring me a Kit Kat Chunky from the Tesco Express across the road.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Being friends with weirdo teetotallers, and other amazing benefits of quitting alcohol

THE benefits of going sober are many and awful. Here are the dismal upsides to quitting alcohol that aren’t really worth the effort.

It adds ten shit years to your life

Kicking the booze does wonders for your body and extends your lifespan by up to a decade. Unfortunately, these ten years are at the end of your life when natural wear and tear will be taking their toll anyway. You can use this time to think of all the drunken fun you’d have had and watch climate change play out. Enjoy.

Saving money you don’t really need to

Rounds of pints aren’t cheap, though hardly like buying a new washing machine. Even so you’ll save a small fortune by packing them in. You’ll still need to socialise though in order to stave off your sober boredom, so that money will go into non-alcoholic beers instead. And thanks to their fancy ingredients they’re pretty pricey too. Oh well, you can’t take it with you.

A morally superior glow

Pissheads have a sweaty complexion, whereas non-drinkers have clear skin that’s positively shining with their self-satisfied life choices. Drive it home with a big shit-eating grin whenever friends complain about their hangovers for maximum effect. However it does risk having no one to be smug around as your friends strangely decide they prefer nights out without someone telling them they look like shit.

You’ll befriend other non-drinking weirdos

Forget hanging around with people who frequent pubs. Their miserable drink-fuelled cheer will soon become a thing of the past. Instead you’ll be able to broaden your social horizons and spend your free time with social misfits and dreary oddballs who like to crochet, play Go obsessively and visit historic railway tunnels. You’ll need a drink to endure their company, but resist the urge.

It’ll boost your wellbeing

Alcohol is a depressant, so by weaning yourself off it the chemicals in your brain will balance out. This will be purely mental improvement, so you’ll have to repeatedly tell people how great you feel otherwise they won’t know. Don’t worry though, they’ll really appreciate the constant updates and won’t be secretly wishing death upon you.

You’ll have more free time

Think of all those hours you’ve pissed down the drain getting half cut with your friends. By going sober, you’ll be able to spend more time at home. By yourself. Pondering your life with a totally clear head. If this sounds like too much to bear, you can always turn to drugs. They’re not alcohol so you’re not breaking the rules.