Doughnuts latest foodstuff to get all up themselves

RINGS of fried dough have begun behaving as if they are expensive gourmet desserts because they have icing and crushed biscuits on top.

Doughnuts are the latest humble snack to be needlessly embellished upon so they can be sold to idiotic millennials for almost a tenner.

Food critic Hannah Tomlinson said: “Doughnuts used to be the food of the working man, filled with jam and consumed by the five-pack as God intended.

“But now? Thay’re gone fancy. All salted caramel and glazes, a Frankenstein’s monster too awkward to eat with crumbly bits on top, coming individually packaged in pretentious little cardboard boxes like they’re a hat your nan would wear at a wedding.

“We’d accepted Krispy Kreme as an American novelty occasionally bought for a laugh, but when you can find at least three glitter-iced doughnuts with cringeworthy pun-inspired names within a five-metre radius of you in any city centre, it’s gone too far.”

Grace Wood-Morris said, while eating a handcrafted ‘Do-nut Worry Darling’ Hollywood-themed doughnut: “It won’t last. Like freakshakes, our town centres will fill with their vendors who will just as quickly go bust.

“Doughnuts will soon go back to being shit, the only legacy of this heady time that they’ll still cost £6.50 each.”

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Six American secrets captured by the Chinese spy balloon

A CHINESE spy balloon has been drifting over the US, filming and gathering information, almost escaping with all the nation’s secrets. Like these: 

Who shot JFK

The truth about the assassination of the 35th president of the USA remained hidden until the CIA decided to lay out all the documents face-up on trestle tables in the back yard, confident high fences would protect them, ignorant of the balloon 60,000ft above. They prove the CIA did it.

Area 51

The classified Nevada facility was fortuitously being spring-cleaned as the balloon passed overhead, with all its UFOs and autopsied greys out on the lawn. Photographs caused huge excitement at China’s Ministry of State Security until closer examination revealed they were all just downed weather balloons.

Donald Trump naked

While passing over a Florida gold course at midnight, the balloon caputured images of former president Trump naked and alone, rolling around the greens, shouting ‘What will it take? What can ever compensate for my micropenis? Why is nothing enough?’ His genitals could not be captured on camera, due to their size.

The set of the moon landings

A backlot in Burbank holds the set of the Apollo 11 moon landings, as filmed by visionary director Stanley Kubrick. They have been repurposed as an adventure playground for the lizard children of the lizard people who instigated global warming so they could lie about on hot rocks.

The hip hop Illuminati

Filmed meeting in the grounds of a Long Island mansion, the balloon identified Jay-Z, Beyoncé, Kanye West, Drake, Pharrell, Rick Rubin and others deciding the future of humanity. A killer drone was launched to wipe out our secret leaders but Kanye detonated it with a mere grunt.


The cryptid caught sight of the balloon, even at 52,000ft, and gave it a friendly wave before entering the quantum-tech subterranean civilisation where the species thrives, waiting for us to die out. Chinese authorities already knew this from the civilisation’s other entrance in the Himalayas and have made peace with it.