Lilt 1975-2023, the soft drink none will mourn

THE totally tropical soft drink beloved by barely anybody passed away peacefully yesterday evening, it has been confirmed.

Lilt, the pineapple and grapefruit-flavoured child of the Coca-Cola Company, died on 13th February 2023, aged 48, due to lack of consumer interest.

Known for its cloudy piss appearance and sickliness, Lilt will be remembered as the drink people only bought if there was nothing else left on supermarket shelves, not even Sprite.

Those who had the misfortune to drink Lilt will not forget its strange, unpleasant taste. The best word to describe it was citric, which barely sums it up. Like a fruit-flavoured carbonated urinal cake, there was a reason you never drank it.

The loss of Lilt has been met with a public outpouring of ambivalence except for those few who have fond memories of it in childhood. Their apparent grief stands at odds with their neglect of Lilt while it persisted, as ignored as Prince’s last seven albums.

And the jingle of its 1980s adverts, while remembered, now brings the realisation that those adverts were not crafted with today’s racial sensitivities and are best not dwelled on.

Outside of being an unpopular soft drink, Lilt contributed nothing to the local community. It never taught piano to children or ladled soup to the homeless. It did not have a remarkable past and it never loved you. There is nothing to be sad about here.

Lilt is survived by a Fanta rebrand which is promised to taste exactly the same anyway, so mourners have been advised to get over it.

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Sex not a present, men reminded

MEN have been given formal notice that, despite how wonderful they find it, sex with them does not count as a gift. 

The warning was issued in advance of this evening and in respect of several previous incidents when a cock has been presented with a metaphorical or, in some cases, literal bow tied around it.

Dr Joanna Kramer said: “Too many men believe they’ve put thought into a Valentine present that’s everything their partners love and value in this world, and it’s them naked.

“Any boyfriend who nods slowly and confidently when asked if they’ve got something special or any husband who says ‘you’ve never had a present like this before, baby’ should be advised that is not a gift. That is a favour we do you.”

Nathan Muir of Wallasey said: “When did the world get so materialistic, that’s what I want to know. All this money on cards declaring how beautiful she is, or on meals out to prove how much I value her. It’s so shallow.

“You know what? I know my wife, and I know that what she values is quality time together. And I’m going to give her 15 minutes of the highest quality around.”