Monday, 19th April 2021

Eating one apple cancels out full day of junk food

NUTRITIONISTS have agreed that consumption of a single piece of fruit means that any junk food or alcohol ingested subsequently is biologically null and void. 

Foods such as Chinese takeaways, Nutella from the jar or an eight-pack of Red Stripe followed by a half a bottle of cooking sherry were previously thought unhealthy, but new research shows that eating one small banana beforehand cancels all negative effects.

Nutritionist Professor Helen Archer said: “It was astonishing to witness. I saw a man eat a pear, which he didn’t even finish, followed by an entire packet of plain chocolate Hobnobs over a bin. He actually lost weight.

“One young woman, who took the courageous decision to add some lettuce to her crisp-and-fish-finger sandwich, now has a metabolism we’ve only previously seen in Olympic athletes.

“Even just intending to have fruit, for example taking it in your bag to work, not eating it, and throwing it away that evening, unblocks arteries and reverses liver damage.

“Previously we believed that food worked on the one-grape-to-one-Malteser ratio. But now we know that a single piece of fruit makes the eater virtually invincible.”

Archer’s theme are now testing theories that a 10-minute walk to the shop, for example to buy cigarettes, could make the body immune to all disease for up to a week.