Eating one apple cancels out full day of junk food

NUTRITIONISTS have agreed that consumption of a single piece of fruit means that any junk food or alcohol ingested subsequently is biologically null and void. 

Foods such as Chinese takeaways, Nutella from the jar or an eight-pack of Red Stripe followed by a half a bottle of cooking sherry were previously thought unhealthy, but new research shows that eating one small banana beforehand cancels all negative effects.

Nutritionist Professor Helen Archer said: “It was astonishing to witness. I saw a man eat a pear, which he didn’t even finish, followed by an entire packet of plain chocolate Hobnobs over a bin. He actually lost weight.

“One young woman, who took the courageous decision to add some lettuce to her crisp-and-fish-finger sandwich, now has a metabolism we’ve only previously seen in Olympic athletes.

“Even just intending to have fruit, for example taking it in your bag to work, not eating it, and throwing it away that evening, unblocks arteries and reverses liver damage.

“Previously we believed that food worked on the one-grape-to-one-Malteser ratio. But now we know that a single piece of fruit makes the eater virtually invincible.”

Archer’s theme are now testing theories that a 10-minute walk to the shop, for example to buy cigarettes, could make the body immune to all disease for up to a week.

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Six email phrases to bring all work to a grinding halt

CONCERNED you may be accomplishing too much at work? Try these ways to make every email utterly gear-jamming while remaining beyond reproach: 

Hi All! Let’s look into this asap!

Basically a read receipt with an upbeat spin, this leaves absolutely no-one in any doubt that you are going to do nothing and encourages everyone receiving it to make no response and to do nothing as well. Spreads inactivity like a virus.

Hi, I’m concerned that…

Oh, you’re concerned? That’s great. How about proposing an actual solution, instead of mass-emailing your whinge? Being concerned just allows you to sit in a meeting in three months’ time and say primly, ‘I did voice my concern back in February…’ you dreadful wanker.

Last night I was thinking… 

Oh God, here comes a thoughtful 1,000-word commentary on the new credit control process, painstakingly outlined in the precise order in which the thoughts occurred to you rather than in the order people need the information. The definition of tl;dr.


The perennial classic. Means either ‘This is not important, basically just delete it’ or ‘Immensely important and career-defining, ignore at your peril.’

As you’re aware… 

Similar to ‘As discussed’ or, less subtly, ‘I did cc-you into the thread’ this is back-covering at its finest, making it clear the recipient should already know the bad news. And if they don’t? You’ve already teed up that they are the lazy f**kwit at fault, not you.


A supreme blend of economy and laziness, your one-word question clearly demands a proper response even though you couldn’t even be bothered to write a full sentence. Your casual brevity also makes you seem more important than the other person, so you win on two fronts. Result!