Filthy chemical chicken and other recipes you can make after the US trade deal

WHEN the UK/US trade deal happens and those pesky food standards are lowered we’ll be able to make all sorts of monstrous meals. Here are some suggestions.

Roast beef with antibiotics

A massive joint of dirt-cheap beef makes Sunday lunch perfect, doesn’t it? Unfortunately you’ll have ingested so many hormones, steroids and antibiotics you’ll turn into the Hulk and punch a hole in gran’s dining room wall because she didn’t pass the salt quickly enough.

Chemical chicken Kiev

A delicious parcel of chicken arrives on your plate, having been chemically washed to remove the filth it spent its miserable life living in. There’s nothing guaranteed to make you enjoy a meal more than desperately trying not to think about salmonella and chicken excrement.

Noodles with rat hair

US food producers have a  ‘Defects Level Handbook’ which sets out the maximum number of foreign bodies that can be found in food before it’s put on the shelf. At 11 rodent hairs for every 25g, you can expect some deliciously furry dinners.

Baby food with toxic metals

A test of US food standards found that 95 per cent of baby food contained toxic metals, and they play fast and loose with sugar and E-numbers too. Forget the wholesome goodness of Deliciously Ella because the next generation of babies will grow up to be a cross between the Honey Monster and Robocop.

Oklahoma Stilton cheese

Anyone who has had the misfortune to have eaten Velveeta will know some American ‘cheese’ is actually just a scary lump of orange protein with no taste. The US says protected food names discriminates against making pleasant things to eat, so expect some super-bland foodstuffs claiming to be Stilton on the shelves soon.

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Little Britain DVDs thrown into Bristol Harbour

LITTLE Britain DVDs have joined the Edward Colston statue at the bottom of Bristol Harbour, it has been confirmed.

After it was removed from iPlayer, Netflix and BritBox, people who own the show on DVD have shown their newfound disgust by sending their discs to a watery grave.

Bristol resident Wayne Hayes said: “The early noughties were a different time. Back then you could black up if you were doing it ironically, and you could even make a phenomenally successful sketch show entirely out of repetitive catchphrases.

“It’s time to move on though. By throwing away these DVDs now society should be free of people saying ‘Computer says no’ and ‘Yeah but no but’ in a matter of years.

“Once I’m done here I’m going to break into HMV and drop all its copies of Little Britain in the drink too. Call me a thug but I swear some of the sketches were exactly the same with a few words changed so it’s time to take matters into my own hands.

“I’d also urge people who own Come Fly With Me DVDs to chuck them away but I don’t think anyone does because it was bollocks.”