Five post-Brexit pancake toppings

BLUE passports are back, we’re a sovereign nation again and it’s time to celebrate a patriotic post-Brexit pancake day with British toppings. Try these: 

Baked beans 

Beans are a British staple, and they’re as good on your pancakes as they are for your heart. Made in Wigan so there aren’t no pesky import issues, they’re perfect for proving that you’re not eating any sophisticated continental crepe. Interestingly, we’ll soon be bathing in them once the climate change water wars begin.

Strawberries

Other fruit are foreign, but strawberries grow here. You’ll have to wait a few months until they’re in season, and a little longer for the economically inactive to pick them, but we can set our own Shrove Tuesday now we’ve taken back control. In the meantime Twiglets will tide you over.

Kimchi

Free from the tyranny of the EU we can make trade deals with anyone. Our comprehensive trade deal with South Korea means we can trough out on fermented cabbage, and why not wrap it in fried batter, drown it in golden syrup, and choke it down with a smile?

Land Rover 

A crunchier topping here, and one that may take more than one pancake to wrap, but you’ll enjoy every bite of this red, white and blue treat knowing you’re doing your country proud.

Nothing 

Flavour is overrated. This Pancake Day take your pancakes dry. Not only will it save money, you’ll be able to really savour the flour and eggs.

Woman improves morning routine by adding line of coke

A WOMAN has made her mornings more streamlined and productive by snorting a fat line off the mirror.

Nikki Hollis, aged 34, found that a quick toot on waking lessened the dread and lethargy of hearing the alarm, put a spring in her step and sent her out the door with a smile.

Hollis said: “I tried drinking hot water with lemon, I tried yoga, but I’m not living on an ashram facing sunrise, I’m in a semi on the outskirts of Reading.

“Taking cocaine every morning gives me a clear head, a desire to engage with everyone I meet with a level of intensity that scares them, and boundless energy until I slump.

“I jog to the office, I’ve cut out coffee entirely, and I really contribute in meetings. And my work’s much more important to me now I need the money for class A drugs.”

Boss Susan Traherne said: “Since adopting her ‘Rise and Line’ routine earlier this year, Nikki’s productivity and engagement with our client base has gone through the roof.

“I am also her dealer.”