Monday, 25th May 2020

Five techniques for fitting that f**k off massive burger in your mouth

HAVE you ordered a burger so huge and loaded with dripping cheese that you have no idea how to physically eat it? Try these tips: 

Take the vegetable bits out Be honest with yourself: if you wanted to eat lettuce and tomato you’d order a sodding salad. Ditch it and concentrate on the good stuff that will block your arteries.

Add extra grease for lubrication If you can’t physically fit the burger into your mouth, you need a bit of lubrication to ease its passage. Extra mayo, a dash of hot sauce or just a scoop of lard will make the difference.

Dislocate your jaw Snakes can eat entire live goats by dislocating their jaws, so why shouldn’t you? Do a big yawn and don’t stop when it hurts, then leave it gaping to facilitate continued burger inhalation.

Deconstruct it Pretend you're a sophisticated gourmet like on Masterchef and eat the burger piece by piece. This will of course kill both the point and your enjoyment of the burger, but it serves you right for being such a greedy fuck.

Use a knife and fork Cutting your burger up into small bite-sized chunks will ensure it gets into your mouth neatly. The downside is that you’ll remind people of how David Cameron ate a hotdog and they’ll punch you as hard as they can.