Five techniques for fitting that f**k off massive burger in your mouth

HAVE you ordered a burger so huge and loaded with dripping cheese that you have no idea how to physically eat it? Try these tips: 

Take the vegetable bits out
Be honest with yourself: if you wanted to eat lettuce and tomato you’d order a sodding salad. Ditch it and concentrate on the good stuff that will block your arteries.

Add extra grease for lubrication
If you can’t physically fit the burger into your mouth, you need a bit of lubrication to ease its passage. Extra mayo, a dash of hot sauce or just a scoop of lard will make the difference.

Dislocate your jaw
Snakes can eat entire live goats by dislocating their jaws, so why shouldn’t you? Do a big yawn and don’t stop when it hurts, then leave it gaping to facilitate continued burger inhalation.

Deconstruct it
Pretend you’re a sophisticated gourmet like on Masterchef and eat the burger piece by piece. This will of course kill both the point and your enjoyment of the burger, but it serves you right for being such a greedy fuck.

Use a knife and fork
Cutting your burger up into small bite-sized chunks will ensure it gets into your mouth neatly. The downside is that you’ll remind people of how David Cameron ate a hotdog and they’ll punch you as hard as they can.

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Most people still reckon Extinction Rebellion is nu metal band

THE British public has admitted it is hesitant about backing climate activists Extinction Rebellion in case they are the new Limp Bizkit. 

Following a week of action by the group, which demands immediate action on global warming and climate change, voters are still unsure about supporting what they fear are American men with piercings, baseball caps and cargo shorts.

Nathan Muir of Coventry said: “I think I’ve seen their logo on the back of a T-shirt. Kind of in spiky writing? Announcing the ‘NO FUKZ GIVEN TOUR 2004’?

“If they’re against climate change then I’m all for that, because it’s really very worrying and we’re starting to see extreme weather events and the time to act is now, but I was tricked into seeing System of a Down once and it’s not happening twice.

“I’m going to need a written guarantee that no white men will be rapping over guitar riffs before I go any further.

“Come on. If anything’s worse than global warming, it’s Slipknot.”