Meditation industry in crisis as whales demand backdated royalties

MEDITATION music moguls say their companies face ruin after thousands of whales sued for backdated royalties.

The giant, furious mammals say they want to be recognised as ‘credible artists’ and are suing for breach of copyright and theft of intellectual property.

Martin Bishop, a humpback whale, said: “I spent years honing my clicks and whistles, only to have them exploited on albums such as Ocean Sounds Vol 73 and Whale Music to Snooze To.

“My echolocation was developed so I could find my child, not to help some fucker from Slough when his ‘nerves are playing up’.”

“We’re also seeing if we’ve got a case against Cafe Del Mar. We were doing ambient sounds way before the Ibiza chill-out albums.”

Meditation boss Julian Cook said: “We’ve tried using more compliant animals, such as seals, but it’s just not as relaxing.”

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Woman with Huawei phone kicked out of WhatsApp group

A WOMAN with a Huawei P30 phone has been kicked out of her friends’ WhatsApp group as a possible security risk. 

Joanna Kramer has been forcibly removed from the Badass Bedford Bitches group because built-in flaws in her hardware’s security architecture could reveal exactly who has been calling Stacey a slag behind her back.

Group admin Carolyn Ryan said: “This gossip is shit hot. If China got hold of it, they could bring down two marriages, three long-term relationships and a houseshare.

“Yes it might not be what they’re necessarily looking for, but once they hear about what Rachel got up to after the Magic Mike show in London, and on her fiancé’s credit card as well, they’ll quickly lose interest in the government or whatever.

“I don’t want Beijing knowing all about why Donna at work’s such a total cow and needs to get over herself. They could use that information for blackmail. Sorry, Joanna, you’re out.”

Kramer said: “Oh for fuck’s sake. I’ve got this phone for two years, and just because Carolyn’s misunderstood a news story I’m locked out of all the juicy stuff?

“Well WhatsApp or not I know who she shagged in the disabled toilets at Revolution on Friday. It’s not all online Carolyn.”