Youngest siblings most likely to be dicks

THE youngest sibling in a family has an 85 per cent chance of being the most annoying dick in that family, studies have shown. 

New research has shown that younger children are more likely to be the favourite of their parents, are more likely to believe they are funny, and are far more likely to be irritating, tiresome dicks.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The eldest sibling is usually more confident and responsible. Middle children are quieter and introspective. And the youngest are knobheads.

“Seriously, think of the most annoying person you know at work, in the pub, whatever. Guarantee you they’re a youngest one.

“The theory we’re currently following is that they’re genetically programmed to be this way to stop humans from reproducing indefinitely and overpopulating the planet. They’re nature’s little contraceptives.”

Tom Logan, the youngest of two brothers, said: “Nah, older siblings are twats because they’re always on at you about breaking their stuff or moaning that they were never allowed to do whatever when they were my age.

“Now sod off or I’m telling Mum.”

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Dad writes to baby daughter explaining why he chose steak over the planet

A LETTER by a father to his baby daughter explaining why he chose roast dinners, frequent flying and a fast car over her future has gone viral. 

More than 5.5m people have read 36-year-old Norman Steele’s moving address to his nine-month-old daughter Jasmine in which he spells out why he decided to do whatever he liked and leave her to deal with the consequences.

In the tender and personal letter, Steele said: “My darling daughter, by the time you read this, sea and temperature levels will have risen to degrees that make human life barely tolerable.

“You might be asking yourself what I, your father, did to avert this catastrophe. Well, I considered becoming vegan. I wrestled with it. Then I thought, bollocks to that.

“I could have given up driving. But I had an Alfa Romeo 4C coupe, given six stars by Jeremy Clarkson. Great handling, smooth transmission. Honestly it’s a joy just to run to the shops.

“As for plane travel, well, it’s hot all the time for you but you must remember this used to be a bloody cold country. I needed my summer holidays and my winter break in Jamaica.

“So while life may be tough for you, in the wasteland we’ve made of our future, know that I love you like I loved steak, driving and minibreaks in Sardinia. A lot. Good luck with it all. Dad.”