ACROSS upscale heatwave Britain, gelato is being served to middle-class families who consider themselves above ice-cream. But is it just ice-cream? Yes:
Both are frozen
The key element in both gelato and ice-cream is that they’re frozen. Apparently gelato is churned more, has less air in it and consequently feels colder in the mouth but that’s clearly bollocks. Nobody has ever tasted a gelato and said ‘Wait, does this feel cold to you?’
Both have the same flavours
Basically chocolate, salted caramel as was made mandatory under EU directive 76/768, and various fruits. You’re not going to be amazed by the wild variety of flavours in a Rome gelateria any more than an Italian will collapse in awe at the freezer section of Tesco. You’ll pick what you like or, if you’re a pretentious prick, pistachio.
Both taste pretty much identical
Apparently gelato is richer and silkier with a lower fat content and was invented by a Sicilian fisherman, but everything says that. If you’re ever bored enough to read the back of your Taste The Difference Beef Bolognese while it’s rotating in the microwave it probably says that. You won’t be able to tell and you know it.
Both are served in cones in coastal locations
If you’re licking it while walking along a promenade in flip-flops under a blazing sun while admiring the bodies of those self-disciplined enough not to eat gelato, is there any difference? If gelato wanted to set itself apart then only being a dessert in fancy restaurants would be a start. Instead it’s exactly where ice-cream would be, because it’s ice-cream.
‘Gelato’ means ‘ice-cream’
The word ‘gelato’ is the Italian word for ‘ice-cream’. All those gelato parlours in Weymouth, Salcombe and Shoreditch are banking on you not checking and they’ve been right. You’ve paid a premium for 15 seconds work in Google Translate and the vague aura of being a foodie. Next time buy a four-pack of Cornettos and stop pissing about.
Next week: Soft-serve ice-cream: why it is the excrement of the devil developed by Margaret Thatcher
