SCIENTISTS have found compelling evidence that anyone making pizza at home is deranged and needs urgent psychiatric help.
A decade-long study revealed that spending hours kneading and proving pizza dough when nicer ones are available at supermarkets and takeaways showed an inability to understand the concept of ‘a waste of time’, and likely masochistic tendencies.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Given the fact that the vast majority of people aren’t professional pizza chefs, opting to make one from scratch proves you are mental.
“You’ll spunk half a day trying to cobble together some wet, sticky dough that would make Paul Hollywood punch you in the face, and the rest of the day cleaning flour off your counters.
“When you cook your pizza, it’ll transform into a vast loaf of bread and come out looking like a wheat-based beachball that someone’s slathered in ketchup and cheese.
“Putting toppings on pre-made pizzas bases is equally futile. Of the 25,000 we tested under laboratory conditions, 100 per cent emerged tasting like a giant digestive biscuit with some random semi-cooked shit on top.
“Save yourself and your loved ones the time and leave it to expert pizza craftsmen: Goodfellas, Domino’s, or Bella Italia if you want the true authentic taste of Italy.”