How the f**k is this a 'cake'? ask dieters

PEOPLE on diets are wondering how flattened pieces of shrivelled matter can possibly be called ‘cakes’.

Joanna Kramer, from Hatfield, said: “They should be called ‘sad rice’ or ‘bio-degradable non-food discs’. I do not appreciate being deceived in this way.”

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, added: “Granted, we also have urinal cakes, cakes of soap and yellow-cake uranium. They all taste better than rice cakes.”

Nutritionist Jane Thompson explained: “Rice ‘cakes’ were placed in British supermarkets as a hoax, but an industry grew up after they were bought by the sort of people who pretend to like awful food.

“Since then, they have found a home with other people who think bad-tasting things must be good for you.

“They are not cakes.”

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Tory party 'could be down to 16 people without the racists'

ANY attempt to clamp down on prejudiced attitudes in the Conservative Party could mean the entire membership will fit in a minibus, senior Tories have warned.

Party leaders believe modernising attitudes could be difficult due to the average member being 70, and the sort of awful people who want to join the Conservative Party in the first place.

Party member Norman Steele, 83, said: “It seems that these days you can’t call a spade a golliwog or vice-versa without getting into hot water.

“Take this business with Amber Rudd and Diane Abbott. No one can keep up with all the politically correct new lingo. When did calling a black person ‘coloured’ suddenly become offensive?

“Also what’s the point of being a member if I can’t moan on bitterly for hours about immigrants, scroungers, foreigners and anything vaguely modern? It just takes all the fun out of it.”

Party organiser Nathan Muir, 38, said: “Sadly, doddery old shire racists like Mr Steele are not just the backbone of the Tory party but also the head, heart, limbs, guts and private parts.

“If we get rid of the blazered, bigoted buffoons and heartless retired harridans all we’ll be left with is weird William Hague-style ‘Tory boys’, and then we’re really fucked.”