Sunday, 1st November 2020

How to be an even bigger panic-buying dickbag second time around

SO worried about others panic-buying you’ve rushed straight out to start panic-buying? Here’s some lessons from Lockdown 1 to help cause shortages and shaft others.

Upsize your vehicle

Completely filling your Vauxhall Astra with bog paper was good, but you can do better. Take a Transit van to Asda, or better still a second-hand army truck. You’ll never need that much loo roll, but you can make others wipe their arses on their own socks.

Abandon all morality

Back in March you were too soft. You let other people have stuff. This time around arm yourself and take everything. Little old ladies can be particularly reluctant to give up their packets of biscuits, so don’t hesitate to use your cosh.

Get into black-market profiteering

Buy up essentials and resell for inflated prices. Sell baked beans individually for £1 each, removing them from the can with a cocktail stick. You’ll be coining it in with tampons at £20 and a packet of Hobnobs for £300. Just be ready to leg it when mob justice comes with a lamp post and a rope.

Invest in freezers

Fill your garage with chest freezers. Last time you had to just strip the shelves of non-perishables like dried pasta, but now you can hoover up all the ready meals and help exhausted working mums get back into the habit of cooking from scratch.

Aim for maximum misery

If you’ve got the cash, buy the stuff others will really miss like all the Merlot so people can’t even blot out lockdown with their usual drink. And all the disposable nappies even if you haven’t got kids. What? Your arse might pack up.