How to be an even bigger panic-buying dickbag second time around

SO worried about others panic-buying you’ve rushed straight out to start panic-buying? Here’s some lessons from Lockdown 1 to help cause shortages and shaft others.

Upsize your vehicle

Completely filling your Vauxhall Astra with bog paper was good, but you can do better. Take a Transit van to Asda, or better still a second-hand army truck. You’ll never need that much loo roll, but you can make others wipe their arses on their own socks.

Abandon all morality

Back in March you were too soft. You let other people have stuff. This time around arm yourself and take everything. Little old ladies can be particularly reluctant to give up their packets of biscuits, so don’t hesitate to use your cosh.

Get into black-market profiteering

Buy up essentials and resell for inflated prices. Sell baked beans individually for £1 each, removing them from the can with a cocktail stick. You’ll be coining it in with tampons at £20 and a packet of Hobnobs for £300. Just be ready to leg it when mob justice comes with a lamp post and a rope.

Invest in freezers

Fill your garage with chest freezers. Last time you had to just strip the shelves of non-perishables like dried pasta, but now you can hoover up all the ready meals and help exhausted working mums get back into the habit of cooking from scratch.

Aim for maximum misery

If you’ve got the cash, buy the stuff others will really miss like all the Merlot so people can’t even blot out lockdown with their usual drink. And all the disposable nappies even if you haven’t got kids. What? Your arse might pack up.

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Country run by f**knuts somehow f**ked

THE UK’s status as officially f**ked and its leadership by total f**knuts could be connected, it has emerged.

The abject failure of track-and-trace, the ongoing inability to get Brexit done and the collapse of underfunded public services have the people of Britain wondering if their government could possibly be to blame.

UK inhabitant Wayne Hayes said: “Electing f**king f**kheads leads to a f**king f**ked society? Makes sense now I think about it.

“I feel a bit misled though. During the election the f**kers claimed they knew what they were doing. None of the leaflets they shoved through my letterbox said they’d f**king f**k everything up.

“Mind you, the other lot probably would’ve f**ked everything up as well. I’m not sure how exactly, but they definitely f**ked it up last time? Bunch of f**king f**kwits.

“So perhaps it doesn’t matter who’s running the show? Maybe we’ve been lead by f**king f**knuts for so long that we don’t know any different anymore?”

Hayes added: “Could I do any better? No way mate. I’m a f**king dumbf**k myself.”