How to be vegan but not a prick

WHILE it’s fine to follow a plant-based diet, it’s less fine to get on everyone’s tits about it. Here’s how to strike that delicate balance.

Talk about literally anything else

Chat about anything not veganism, even tedium like the the weather or footy, which are basically just social glue. Luckily there’s a fair bit going on right now. Who knows, people might be more interested in this virus thing or World War 3 that than you explaining in coma-inducing detail how you made aubergine stew?

Even if you’re eating out

If you’re eating out, don’t bang on about it then either. Meat eaters don’t think only having one type of lamb bhuna on the menu is a personal slight. Peruse the menu then quietly order the least appealing thing there. It’s unfair, but that’s the dish for you. The one the chefs resent cooking. Probably something that’s basically just a baked mushroom.

Don’t try and recruit others

It really is futile trying to convert people. Others have thought about veganism and just don’t care about cows that much. You have to admit they’re pretty thick. We know how we live is cruel and it’s bad for the environment but we’re too old, set in our ways and addicted to the great taste of £1 Iceland microwaveable kebabs. And stop telling us how much better you feel. You’re wasting your breath with us bastards. 

Don’t take it too seriously 

It must be exhausting remembering you’re a vegan all the time. However only twats make an issue of vegans not being 100 per cent consistent all the time, and they secretly know it’s a Good Thing. Frankly if you feel like a bacon sarnie or lamb chop from time to time, fill your boots. You’re way ahead on ethics anyway.

Don’t ruin meat for the rest of us 

For people who don’t eat meat, vegans are obsessed with it. Why else go through the charade of pretending a sliced cauliflower is ‘steak’? Cooking a jackfruit does not leave you with pulled pork, unless you’re a medieval alchemist. Just call your food what it is. Which is ‘pretty bland’.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Spam or a message from your mum? Take our quiz

RECEIVED a near-incomprehensible message suggesting you check out some new online game or health fad? Find out if it’s genuine spam or just a message from your mum. 

Does the message contain grammar and spelling errors?

A) Yes, as if it was written by someone who didn’t have English as a first language.

B) Yes, loads of them, as if the message was cobbled together by someone who’d been off their tits on rosé since lunch-time.

What is the tone of the message?

A) Deeply impersonal, as if the person writing it has never met you.

B) Deeply impersonal, as if the person writing it has a very strained relationship with you right now due to a dispute over their grandparenting techniques.

Does the message contain a suspicious attachment?

A) Yes, there’s a large file which is presumably riddled with viruses.

B) Yes, the sender has, for some reason, taken a photograph of their computer screen showing a meme about Countdown, and somehow put that in a ZIP file before sending it to you.

Is the email urging you to buy something?

A) Yes, it seems pretty keen that you buy some diet pills.

B) Yes, it seems pretty keen that you buy some diet pills, nagging you that you ate far too much over Christmas and you’re ‘getting a real tummy on you’.

Is the email asking for sensitive, personal information?

A) Yes, it’s asking for your National Insurance number.

B) Yes, it’s asking what date your wife’s birthday is again, even though it was approximately a month ago now.

Does it come from an unknown number?

A) Yes, the number seems as if it may be from overseas.

B) Yes, it’s an unknown UK number, as if the person trying to contact you keeps leaving their phone in shops or breaking it and – not understanding how SIM cards work – keeps getting new numbers.

Mostly As: This is a spam message trying to trick you into doing something against your will. Ignore and delete.

Mostly Bs: This is a message from your mother trying to suck you into whatever nonsense is on her mind today. You’d dearly like to ignore and delete it but you bloody can’t because she’s your mum.