How to pretend to be less carnivorous when your vegan friends come over

VEGANS due to visit your problematic, animal-product-filled house? Here’s how to pretend you’re as morally superior as them:

Don’t serve hot drinks

Refrain from serving your vegan guests tea or coffee if you don’t have any non-dairy milk substitutes. By only having cow’s milk to offer you risk revealing that you’re actually an abhorrent monster who’s masquerading as a caffeine addict. You’ll be cancelled faster than you can say ‘Oatly is unethical, too’.

Lie about how much you love meat and cheese

It will be clear from your Pepperami breath and your unfashionable leather shoes that you’re not vegan, so pretending otherwise won’t fool the hypersensitive. But phrases like ‘I actually prefer veggie sausages’ and ‘I’m planning to reduce my brie consumption’ can make it look like you care about animals. Just not enough to stop eating them.

Show off your vitamin supplements

Vegans swear by multivitamin tablets to replace all the nutritional goodness they miss out on by abstaining from cream finger doughnuts and lemon meringue pies. You must have a jar of them near the back of the cupboard, so dig them out and put them on display even if they expired in 1995.

Hide all the eggs

Leftover scrambled eggs still not cleaned up from dinner last night? Painted egg shells from the children’s dodgy art projects? They all need to be hidden, pronto. And when your censorious guests are gone you can have a fun little egg hunt in preparation for the full English you’re having tomorrow in revenge.

Casually talk about seeds

Phrases such as, ‘would you like a sprinkle of flaxseed in your water?’ or ‘fancy some chia or hemp seeds in your wine?’ will leave your plant-eating friends in no doubt as to almost-a-vegan-but-not-quite-there-yet credentials. They love seeds. They’re so far gone they genuinely think of seeds as a treat.

Show off your pets

Don’t worry if you don’t have any. Simply borrow a stray cat from a nearby park and play with it boisterously. There’s no better way to show that you care about animals than by happily letting one scratch and bite you in front of your self-righteous guests.

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Man happy to spend rest of life only liking Oasis

A 41-YEAR-OLD man has cheerfully resigned himself to an entire life of only enjoying the music of Oasis.

Oasis fan Nathan Muir discovered the joys of music after listening to Live Forever in 1994, and has no interest in buying CDs by other artists after hearing Noel Gallagher’s first disappointing solo album in 2011.

He said: “I love Oasis. They’re the absolute best, from Definitely Maybe all the way through to their last one I don’t remember the name of.

“Hence I don’t really need to hear other bands. I haven’t minded a couple when my mates put them on, like Kasabian, but when it comes down to it they’re just a shit Oasis.

“I tried the Beatles once, because Oasis really big them up, but it’s all a bit old-fashioned isn’t it? Or weird. I only really liked I Am The Walrus and it’s not as good as the Oasis version.

“I’m getting on a bit now too, so it’d be embarrassing if I tried listening to the bands young people are into. Also Noel and Liam’s solo stuff was bollocks. So basically I’m sticking with Oasis for the next 40 years or so, then I’ll die.”

Wife Debbie Muir said: “It’s actually better than being with some snobby music bore, until he gets hammered with his mates and they sing along to Champagne Supernova at top volume at 3am.”