PANIC-STRICKEN imbeciles who emptied supermarket shelves of dried pasta will be eating nothing but the stuff for the next few years.
Coronavirus headlines caused idiots to get in their cars, head to Tesco and buy as many packets of macaroni, farfalle, tagliatelle and fusilli as they could fit in their boot.
Martin Bishop, who headbutted a 68-year-old woman in Sainsbury’s to secure the last packet of angel hair pasta said: “The moment I heard about this virus, my first thought was pasta. Pasta. Pasta. Toilet roll. And pasta.
“I wasn’t doing it for me, I was doing it for my children. Okay, I don’t have any children yet but I could still breed and to do that I need to eat. For some reason it has to be pasta.”
Emma Bradford said: “Yes, I brandished a ceremonial sword to fend off other customers at Lidl for a pack of spaghetti.
“Now that I’ve calmed down a bit, I realise an entire garage full of pasta might be a bit much, especially as I didn’t think to hoard any bolognese sauce, pesto or cheese.
“It’s going to be a sh*t five years shifting that lot. I suppose I could try using it to wipe my a*se.”