Saturday, 4th April 2020

Why massive Tory spending is different to massive Labour spending, by a Tory

DURING the budget you may have noticed that Tory spending is fine but Labour’s was not. Here Tory MP Denys Finch Hatton explains why.

We won’t be giving money to people you don’t like 

Rest assured not a penny will end up in the pockets of benefits claimants, ie. 20-strong feral rat-families defrauding the DWP and spending the loot on trampolines, kebabs and fags for their toddlers.

The laws of economics are different for Tories 

When Tories spend to prevent a downturn in the economy, as John Maynard Keynes advised, it works like a dream. But if Labour does it, it causes ultra-hyper-mega inflation and we’ll all be wiping our a*ses with worthless £50 notes. It’s just one of those mysterious things no one can explain.

The press lets us do anything

As newspapers have pointed out, Tory spending is sensible and kind but Labour spending is in service of a Stalinist dictatorship where you’ll be put in a gulag for owning a car. Our noble pressmen only have Britain’s best interests at heart, so this must be true.

Tories are used to having money

Most Tory politicians are rich, and thus know to spend money on worthwhile things like a beautiful Vermeer or a duck palace. But give money to oiks like Corbyn or Keir Starmer and they’ll blow our entire GDP on ‘Maccie Ds’, training shoes and bets on dog fights.  

Coronavirus changes everything 

I love coronavirus. It’s a ready-made excuse for Brexit and allows all sorts of bullsh*t vanity projects and weird spending. Hell, we can probably chuck in National Service and hanging while we’re splashing the cash. Now I think about it, let’s have more of this splendid coronavirus, not less.