Why massive Tory spending is different to massive Labour spending, by a Tory

DURING the budget you may have noticed that Tory spending is fine but Labour’s was not. Here Tory MP Denys Finch Hatton explains why.

We won’t be giving money to people you don’t like 

Rest assured not a penny will end up in the pockets of benefits claimants, ie. 20-strong feral rat-families defrauding the DWP and spending the loot on trampolines, kebabs and fags for their toddlers.

The laws of economics are different for Tories 

When Tories spend to prevent a downturn in the economy, as John Maynard Keynes advised, it works like a dream. But if Labour does it, it causes ultra-hyper-mega inflation and we’ll all be wiping our a*ses with worthless £50 notes. It’s just one of those mysterious things no one can explain.

The press lets us do anything

As newspapers have pointed out, Tory spending is sensible and kind but Labour spending is in service of a Stalinist dictatorship where you’ll be put in a gulag for owning a car. Our noble pressmen only have Britain’s best interests at heart, so this must be true.

Tories are used to having money

Most Tory politicians are rich, and thus know to spend money on worthwhile things like a beautiful Vermeer or a duck palace. But give money to oiks like Corbyn or Keir Starmer and they’ll blow our entire GDP on ‘Maccie Ds’, training shoes and bets on dog fights.  

Coronavirus changes everything 

I love coronavirus. It’s a ready-made excuse for Brexit and allows all sorts of bullsh*t vanity projects and weird spending. Hell, we can probably chuck in National Service and hanging while we’re splashing the cash. Now I think about it, let’s have more of this splendid coronavirus, not less.

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Teenage boys 'worst affected by toilet paper crisis'

PUBESCENT boys desperate for a hand-shandy are bearing the brunt of the toilet paper shortage, it has emerged.

Panic-buying of toilet tissue has struck fear into Britain’s male teenagers, who are worried they will have to use more traditional methods of cleaning up after self-abuse.

Tom Booker, 16, said: “It’ll come as a surprise to no one that guys my age work their way through an excessive amount of toilet paper.

“When the mood takes me I’ll grab handfuls of the stuff, even if a couple of sheets would do the job easily.

“But with supplies running low I might have to use socks or flannels, like my father, grandfather and great-grandfather before him. You’d think by now there’d be an app for this.

“In the unlikely event that I find a shop with toilet paper left it’ll look obvious if I buy some on its own. I’d have to camouflage it by doing a weekly shop, which at my age would look ridiculous.”

Wayne Hayes, a 15-year-old Catholic, said: “Finally my oppressive upbringing is paying off.”