Inflation plummets if your diet is 90 per cent meat

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We ask you: will you go in the shop and buy a 34-year-old cigarettes in two decades' time?

OUTSIDE the newsagent in the year 2044 lurk two men in their early thirties. They hold up a £40 note and ask you to get them a packet of Silk Cut. Will you? 

Bill McKay, smallholder: “No way. Smoking will stunt their growth.” 

Susan Traherne, accountant: “Absolutely not. The law is the law, and the law has an arbitrary cut-off point of January 1st, 2009. I would light up, blow a lungful in their jowly faces, and tell them to piss off.” 

Martin Bishop, hare courser: “Not me. Instead I would point them to someone who would do so on principle like Liz Truss or Kemi Badenoch, both of whom I expect will be hanging out down the precinct.” 

Jim Bates, lighting technician: “Smoking is illegal for those mid-life reprobates. But I would get them rolling baccy for a good old English spliff, because that tradition must be kept alive.” 

Hannah Tomlinson, hairdresser: “Can’t they just tell the shopkeeper the fags are for their dads?”