Is it an artisan food market or just a shit market? A quiz

DOES your neighbourhood have a hipster food market or a crappy old-school one? Find out with our quiz.

What is the nearest stallholder doing?

A) Smiling discreetly in a Monsoon dress and a cardigan they describe as ‘hygge vibes’.

B) Wearing a knock-off Manchester United shirt and repeatedly bellowing about three bananas for a pound.

What is for sale?

A) A very small display of locally produced honey, next to some recyclable business cards and leaflets about wildflowers that nobody’s touched.

B) Tubs filled with miscellaneous fruit and vegetables, bootleg perfume, and counterfeit beach towels with Disney-style characters on them.

Is there a stall selling soap?

A) There are four, all simmering with thinly-veiled rivalry over their jute twine packaging.

B) Yes, it’s the one selling women’s knickers, Toilet Duck, pan scourers and bars of Imperial Leather that fell off the back of a lorry.

Is there a chocolate stall?

A) Yes, but they’ve run out of chilli and cardamon truffles. May they suggest the matcha and hibiscus ganache instead?

B) If you ask for Darren on the fish counter he’ll fix you up with some out-of-date Twixes.

What are the shoppers carrying their purchases in?

A) A reusable twine basket which cost £50.

B) A tartan granny trolley, perfect for tripping up young folk who get too close.

What hot food is on offer?

A) Falafel burgers and churros served from the back of an old Airstream. Wanky payment methods preferred.

B) ‘Normal’ beef burgers and doughnuts. Strictly cash only to avoid the taxman.


Mostly As: It’s a trendy artisan market, as evidenced by the other shoppers who are wearing red chinos and Lacoste polo shirts. You will blow £30 on a bite of sourdough pizza you thought was a free sample.

Mostly Bs: Judging by its numerous health and safety violations, it’s a proper fruit and veg market. Clutch your thin blue plastic bag full of grapes in relief and be grateful that gentrification has passed your area by.

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Girls' night out in tearful crisis before end of first drink

A GIRLS’ night out has descended into arguments, sulks and tears in the toilet before the first drink has been finished.

The 10-strong squad arrived at Wetherspoons and ordered pitchers of Moscow mules, whereupon Leah suddenly left the table for the toilets, followed by Helen after five minutes, followed by Sienna after another two minutes.

Grace Wood-Morris said: “The rest of us tried to carry on chatting like we weren’t sitting on an erupting volcano. Then Jody got a text from Helen about what Leah thought she’d heard Sam say to Priya, and it f**king kicked off.

“Everyone was in and out of the toilets, the other toilets upstairs and the smoking areas. Texts and WhatsApps were flying. Tears were being shed, hair was being pulled, and factions were being formed, betrayed then reforged.

“It boiled down to Sienna stirring it about Leah’s boyfriend being Sam’s ex, Helen wearing the same shoes as Jody even though she’d told Jody not to wear them, Priya being a massive bitch and me still being f**ked off about Magaluf in 2016.

“Eventually we all made up, finished our drinks, dried our eyes, redid our make-up and went on to Lakota’s. Then Priya rushed to the loo with a face like thunder and it really went apeshit.”

In contrast a group of lads on a night out got out of their minibus, thought some other lads were looking at them, started a fight and were arrested by 7.30pm.